Tuesday, May 12, 2009

She's gained weight, lost her sexy?

Seems the 3 or so guys who read this site (tell your friends, boys) prefer to email me than leave comments. If you have a Blogger account and want to leave a comment without it pointing back to your Blogger account, just use the Anonymous feature or Name/URL. It works fine and you stay anonymous.

One regular reader emailed me yesterday regarding my post about keeping a woman's sex drive high by doing unsexy things. His email said:

I love my wife and want to have more sex, but she's gained weight. How do I keep thinking about her rather than other women?

Honesty is good and this is a problem a lot of men face, married or not.  As I've said in previous posts, the first thing to work hard to do is get rid of the porn.  Porn is a great part of my life, but I'm single.  When you don't have a woman's body to release into (or on, in my case), porn is a very distant second place.  If you do have a woman in your life, porn should hit the road.  Increasing your own sexual desire can have an effect on her, if you focus that desire properly.

But what do you do when your size 4 princess became a size 12 queen?  The first thing to do is look at your own body: did you gain weight, too?  The pot calling the kettle black is a problem we guys face that is hard to realize.  When I gained weight many years ago (in a long term relationship), I didn't even notice it until I hit 30# over my ideal weight.  It took seeing a photo of me to say "Wow, I'm fat!"  She had gained a lot of weight, too, but I didn't bring it up.  Instead, I curbed my starches and sugars, picked up a set of cheap weights at Target ($20 maybe), and spent 10 minutes a day on my upper body.  Not a lot of work, but enough to get some definition going under my layers of fat.

I burned off those 30# in about 12 weeks, and I added enough definition that she noticed.  She was touching me more, and whenever I was working with my shirt off, she noticed definition in my back.  Many women will find a man's back muscles more attractive than arm, pec, or ab muscles.  It's an odd internal glitch in our ladies.

Once you've tackled the porn situation and focused on your own weight gain, you can work on the next step: make her sexy in your mind.  Porn can be a great burden on finding real women attractive.  All models are airbrushed, even the so-called amateur teens (most likely 25 year olds with makeup and good lighting).  Once the porn is out of your system, how about using HER pictures for the times you're alone in the bathroom or the bedroom and need to take care of your own needs?  I'm not talking about raunchy photos or nudes, just photos of her when you found her most sexy: that smile, working in the garden, or the candid shots taken from when you were dating.  Even if she's gained 50#, she's still the same sexpot you knew years ago.  Use it to your advantage.

There's a funny side effect of using your own lady to jerk off to: if she catches you, she'll get really mad and then when she finds the source of your passion, she may be out of her clothes in 5 minutes flat.  That'll solve your problem then and there.

I still believe that masturbation when you're sexually frustrated in a relationship is a bad idea for men.  It does reduce our sex drive quite a bit.  Fighting the urges give you a little more drive to find a solution to your predicament.   So far, I have had 2 long term relationships where the sex drive dried up because we were both so busy.  I put that to an end by working discretely to find a way to make time.  The best thing I had ever done was remove the TV from the bedroom and living room.  Grab some books or magazines to replace it.

If you don't waste 3 hours a night watching Friends and Will & Grace re-runs, you might be surprised that both your bodies respond to the boredom with a desire for sex.  Instead of watching TV, grab those books or magazines.  Give her short glances and watch her read (it's very very sexy).  She'll catch you and might take the hint that you do find her sexy.  It might not be great sex (that's your doing, fellas), but it's sex.  Getting your foot in the door (or something else) is a good way to getting your future sex life comfortable.

Her weight gain should not be a problem for sex.  The biggest turn-off is not weight, but how she dresses and carries herself.  If you can approach her body, in clothes, without seeming horny or gross, she'll still melt for you.  Don't be afraid to hug her regularly in thanks.  Don't be afraid to take a photo of her today for your wallet and one for your desk at work.  If she complains about being overweight, tell her that she's lovely and you're just as into her now as you were then.  If you dumped the porn, started jerking to her photos, and are working on your own weight problem, you'll mean it.  She'll believe you.

Lastly, kiss her more in the morning before she's fully awake.  No, not tongue-down-the-throat kisses; just smooch her forehead (or her hair even), stroke her hair, run your fingernails on her shoulders and arms and hands.  Non-sexual touches for men can be discrete sexual advances in the woman's heart and loins.  Morning sex is always a fun side project, which can satisfy both of you for the turbulent day of responsibilities ahead.


MindfulMama said...

I like this post. I was expecting a more typical-man response, which would be to find 5,000 ways to tell her she's a cow and she should lose weight if she ever wants to get the privilege of sex with him again.

Kudos to you for hitting the nail on the head. Size 12 women can be the kinkiest vixens you'll ever meet. Trust me.

ChicagoSane said...

If that's what typical men say, they should be shot out back and replaced post-haste.

If I'm with a woman who has gained weight, it's usually because of our mutual path we're on: too busy to find time to work out, snacking on fast food instead of good food that takes time to prepare, and maybe even a sense of comfort from financial and emotional stability. So far, I haven't knocked anyone up, but there's that, too.

A man who sticks to a woman only because of her external attractiveness will get bored quick, even if she stays in shape. Finding a woman's internal sexy can keep him hot and bothered for decades or longer.

Some of the best sex I've had was with women who started out a little thicker, losing weight over time because they wanted to (not me). There's nothing wrong with a little padding.

The key is to find her sexy yourself, and then work on making yourself sexy again for her. Women can sense when a man finds them sexy (I don't mean pawing and making snide sexual comments or references). It makes them feel sexy, and the favor can be returned in multiples.

Andy said...

What I've learned is that being sexy is a matter of self-esteem. It's a matter of carrying yourself.

You can be an appealing woman, but sexiness is all about the self-confidence. If a woman doesn't believe it herself, her image won't be sexy. So, women who don't consider themselves confident and amazing, no matter what they look like, will feel bad about themselves.

So, if you're a little overweight, honestly, you don't have to be a size 0 model to do that. My advice to any woman is to smile, to know what they want, and to believe they're in a runway all the time. Nice clothes and make-up will do great things, no matter what your weight is.

Being an upcoming model, I can ASSURE every woman out there that make-up people use airbrush systematically, and it DOES make a difference in the pictures.