Sunday, May 10, 2009

RIP Carole, 1975-2001

1pm just came and went. In an hour I'll see my mother again and I can't help but see the few lonely rain drops that fell from the partyl cloudy/sunny sky the same moment the clock struck 1. The same time my own eyes shed a tear as I write this pulled over on the highway.

I miss you. I promised you safety and security when you left him, pregnant and lost. When you moved to be near your folks, I promised to raise your son as his father. I never knew his name, so I call him Larry after our favorite video game character when we were teenagers.

When I received the call on Mother's Day 8 years ago that your God took you and Larry from me in childbirth, I took a bath to hide my lack of understanding. I loved you as a sister but would've been the best father to Larry ever. You were and still are the best example of caring, compassion and trustworthiness ever.

Here's to you and Larry. You're still my best friend, and I'm glad I can say these words and know you hear them. Remember this show, how dorky we were wearing their T-shirts and screaming for one more song?

It's a Shame
From the album "Bottom of the Curve"

If we stood in one place,
If time never changed for you,
What would you do,
Where would you go?

If you could stay in one moment that you knew,
What would you do?
Cuz I know --
I said that I KNOW!

Mine is with you.

My hands on your face,
I was saying goodbye to you,
And you looked as though you were going to cry.
But it all is erased -- everything,
save just you.
And me, staring into those eyes,
Those beautiful eyes,
That were sending me home.

And the hair that crept out,
From under that jealous hand of mine,
Held tight against
That beautiful face
That belonged to someone else.

And the look on your face screamed:

Everything is erased,
Nothing but me and you.
You just staring into my eyes.

And the weight of the days
I had ahead of me
Had been lightened
Just with you by my side.

And I wasn't afraid,
And I wasn't alone for those two seconds.

And it wasn't that long.

And it wasn't that much.

And it wasn't that wrong.

Cuz it was just a touch.

But it was everything.

I miss you. I know he had your eyes and it kills me that they weren't also mine. I'm so sorry I wasn't there. I know you've forgiven and you understood, so hold me one last time as we listen to this song once again and wonder if we'll see each other someday so I can throw your boy in the air and catch him with laughter.


Andy said...

Seems like your goal for today is to take us all aback.

Wonderful story. :)

The Dumbest Smart Girl You Know said...

I'm so sorry for your loss...