Monday, May 11, 2009

Reminding her of her needs in the bedroom

This is part of an ongoing series on dating (even in marriage).

I was a little bit shocked a few weeks ago when I started to see more married women visiting this site, emailing me questions and sending me really positive criticism or even compliments. I don't write for you, I write for me, but I absolutely love the input. It helps me more than you can ever know.

When some people said they visited from another Momblog, I decided to take a look. As luck would have it, she had given me a link and a really nice run of compliments. I'd like to address some of that today.

She says,

But it also reminded me of a few things I had forgotten. Things about passion and lust and meeting needs and all of those things that we sort of check at the door when we start a family.

This is something that aggravates me about marriage lately: checking your needs at the door when it comes to raising kids.  Yes, kids are a handful.  Life is expensive; both time and money are needed in great quantity.  Responsibilities inside and out of the house are just overwhemling sometimes, and it leaves little time to dress sexy or even find the energy for sex once you both put your heads to the pillows.

That's all bullshit.  I'm sorry, but stop.  You're passing this on to your children, and it's going to make their lives WORSE than yours.  I'm not calling anyone out in particular but the men in the relationships.  Men, it is our duty to encourage a sex drive in the women we love, or at least the women we're with.

You don't encourage a sex drive by grabbing their tits and ass and saying "Wanna screw?"  You know when you do that?  When she's already crazy about you in bed.  And here's a little secret: no matter how tired and overworked a woman is, a positive sex drive can erase all of the frustration and tiredness.

Want to increase her sex drive?  Stop trying to be sexy.  Get rid of your porn, first.  I love porn, and use it when I really need fast release.  If I'm with a woman sexually and regularly, the porn hits the road.  "But I'm not getting laid!"  Of course not, all that incredible sexual tension you have could be shared with her, but you're leaving it on a Kleenex when no one is watching.  Stupid, stupid motherfucker (literally, in the case of you dads).

Want to increase her sex drive?  Do things without her knowing (other than masturbation, which you shold do with her knowing and her starting first).  Take the trash out BEFORE she asks, and don't even mention it.  Try to cheat on your porn and your sports games with household tasks.  I'm not kidding, you morons.  Women will catch you in the act eventually.  Don't be all cutesy and try to get her to notice, just do it.  Those socks on the floor?  Make them disappear forever.  Ram it into your thick skull that socks on the floor are things that 3 year olds do.  Go from foot to hamper.  Don't let her see you do it.

How about the crap in your office or studio that is everywhere? Organize it little by little.  Don't do it all at once, make it disappear in about 2 weeks.  Don't add more, and take away a little at a time.  The garage you've been promising to organize?  Clean that up too, chump, but do it slowly, so she doesn't notice all at once.

If a bulb is blown, replace it before she ever knows.  Imagine how less stressed your gorgeous wife (and maybe your kid's mom?) will be if she never sees a blown lightbulb.  You can go a step beyond this, too: pay the bills when you see the envelope open on the kitchen table.  Just sneak it out when she's not looking, put a check in the mail, and file it away wherever she files it away.  If she asks, just say you took care of it.  Don't say when, don't say why, don't say how.  Just do it.

When she's cooked you dinner and you've finished it, rather than hitting the living room, go and clean the dishes and pots and pans.  Then take out the trash immediately.  Do you know that garbage can be thrown out BEFORE the bag is full?  Try it, it's not against the law.

Ok, men, so now we've worked at reducing their stress level about 3%.  It's miraculous what it will do to her life.  She sleeps 6 hours a night, so 3% of 18 hours is about 30 minutes.  Guess what you can do in 30 minutes?  No, not yet, but it's a window of opportunity.  You've got a new step to take: touch her.

I don't mean tits and ass you celibate pervert, I mean touch her in a way that counts.  The next time she tries to fly past you in route to wipe up baby puke from a bib, stop in front of her and look at how beautiful she is.  Her eyes and her face, bubba.  If she gets mad, grab her hands, stare at that gorgeous face and smile.  Don't say a word.  "I love you" is a ridiculous thing for a man to say.  I only say it in response to the same.  Don't tell her she's beautiful, SHOW HER you think that.  If she hits you for blocking her vomit run, laugh.  When she walks past you, THEN check out her ass when she's not looking.

If you have to stare at your wife's body, do it in a way where she can catch you but it could be a mistake.  Act smitten (trust me, you'll become smitten doing this).  Peek at her through reflections in mirrors or windows.  Don't stare, just peak.  If she catches you, smile.  If she doesn't, look away fast.  Getting busted acting like a 15 year old with a crush can send those floodgates pumping.

A woman who has forgotten her sexuality gets there because her man is a boy, or maybe a eunuch.  You are probably one or the other.  Words don't work here.  Grabbing her inappropriately has the oppositive effect because she'll think "Great, this guy fucked me for all of 7 minutes, and now I have a kid because of it." Sorry, but quickies will get you babies.  Long, drawn-out, passionate lovemaking with days and days of build up and cute glances and lust in HER eyes will be something she equates with personal feminine release, not masculine release that ends up making her feel fat and want to suck on rocks from the garden for 9 months.

If you don't understand a word I'm saying, drop me an email with your address and your work hours.  I'll fix her for you.


MindfulMama said...

Well listen. You know I love the way you think, and I love the way you write. And I am not some troll who wants to come here and harrass you -- quite the contrary, I plan to hang on your every word.

That said, I hope you can handle the following criticism...until you have been fucking the same person for 15 years, I think you might not be the best qualified person for giving instructions on how to keep passion alive. Fair enough? :-)

I do enjoy the refresher course I get here in Passion 101. I can tell you that the attention that goes toward the kids is a necessary evil -- it keeps them alive for the first 5 years of their lives. Then we get to move on (which is where I am right now) in getting back to the sensuality we once knew. There is no man alive that can completely transcend the stressors of having a young family. When you do get married one day and start a family, people like me and Kathleen and Delilah (who all know each other online from way back) will help YOU meet your wife's needs, kay?! Although it sounds like you have a jumpstart on 98% of men.


The Dumbest Smart Girl You Know said...

WOW. You should teach a class. The Chicago area at large would benefit!

As a single mom, I can honestly say NOTHING would turn me on more than someone voluntarily lightening the load on my shoulders (and I would never ask). That should be common sense, but it ISN'T. I wish more men would think this way!

ChicagoSane said...


Oh, I'm sure you aren't having a problem in the bedroom like some (most?) young mothers. The post wasn't for you at all. Just the men who are forgetful that they're the ones who drive sexiness into the marriage by doing unsexy things.

It's the woman who decides when and where. If that is how it happens, the marriage will work just great in the bedroom.

And I agree that young kids are a handful. My single mom friend relied on me for years with her kids when they were young, and I was shocked to see her juggling act.

Some day I will get married and have kids (or vice versa) and I'd be proud to get some advice from these veterans!

ChicagoSane said...

Smart Girl,

I try to help guys when I can. Those who listen are very thankful. Very, very thankful.

When a guy says "How can I get my wife/girlfriend to do ________ in the bedroom?" my answer is: what have you done in the kitchen?

I'm old fashioned and do believe that one spouse (if there are two!) should be doing home stuff and one work stuff, but they should help each other on both sides. Men who are discrete about helping around the house (like I call it: cheating on porn and sports) get a lot in the bedroom.

When I lived with a woman and did stuff around the house from day 1, she didn't notice for 3 months. One day she pushed me against a wall (all 105 lbs of her) and said "You son of a bitch, are you cleaning up and not telling me?"

The toilet always sparkled (no pee anywhere!). I would sneak toilet paper into the house one roll at a time to replenish it. When the paper towels would get down to 10%, I took that roll into my car to use and replaced it with a new roll. When clean clothes were in the hamper, I'd put away about half of mine, but not all of them.

She was shocked when she caught me. It took her months to compare living with me to living with the previous guy, and I made sure I didn't make his mistakes from day 1. And the sex was amazing; all her doing.

List of stupid things a guy can do and not get caught (cheating on porn and sports):

1. Dust off top of celing fans
2. Watch for ants or bugs and treat when found (ant traps showing up without asking for them is SEXY)
3. Getting rid of obviously old clothes and underwear
4. Throwing out magazines over 1 month old
5. Making the bed
6. Learning when she needs to use the bathroom and staying out of it
7. Scrubbing the shower down every day
8. Cleaning BEHIND the toilet
9. Emptying the bathroom garbage can every other day
10. Keeping her stocked in her brand of Tampax (put a new package under the current one)
11. Wiping the inside of the medicine cabinet down regularly
12. Stroking her hair when you're both busy on the couch
13. Calling HER mom to see if she needs any errands done (don't tell HER though)
14. Picking a weed or two on the way out of the house or the way into house
15. Washing a window or two, or worse: the glass for the "screen" door that gets disgusting

All of these things, if done discretely will open up more than enough time for 30-60 minutes a few times a week of really rip-roaring sex. And she'll do whatever you want in bed because you're doing what she wants in the home.

MindfulMama said...

"Oh, I'm sure you aren't having a problem in the bedroom like some (most?) young mothers."

I appreciate that. My husband is my absolute household equal -- he does a lot of housework and I run my own business in addition to "staying at home" with our kids -- and it does open the gates (and our schedule) for good sex.

I could use the married-for-30-years version of ChicagoSane. Any problems i have in the bedroom have nothing to do with being exhausted -- but everything to do with being monogamous for 15 years. I envy the newness and spontaneity of your encounters. But you have inspired me to really find my way past this feeling rather than giving in to it or sitting here hoping it will go away.

Andy said...

I absolutely loved this one.

I've always been a fan of relationship books (now you're understanding lots of things), and I recall reading something very similar to this.

Foreplay is not only 5 minutes before the sex. Foreplay is all day long if you know how to do it properly.