Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Boys say yes, Men say no

I had a wonderful chat last night with an irregular reader. I asked her a question about men that bothers her and she asked "Why do men say yes when they mean to say no?"

Her question was queried incorrectly. Real men do not say yes when they mean no. This is a vile habit of boys (immature males). The transition from boyhood to manhood does not come with hage, but with maturity. I transitioned in my early teens.

I believe in saying no often. If I am unsure of an answer (maybe, possibly, eventually), I'll say no but I will offer two choices. If I am sure the answer is no, I will say no. Why? This makes my yes answers more valuable, and it means I can focus my time better on the things I can do.

When I offer a yes answer, I stick to my guns about it. If I make a promise, I keep it. If I can't keep it, I let the other person know as soon as I am unsure of the outcome, even if I will try to follow through completely. Letting some down early is a key element of being a man. Avoiding the reality of personal failure is a mark of immaturity.

Why do immature men (boys) say yes when they mean no? They are afraid. They have no confidence in their relationship with the person they're lying to. They fear losing them if they refuse for whatever reason. A mature man who is able to say no will set the stage for a more stable relationship. He will let others know his boundaries, and then understand their boundaries as they will be more honest with him.

Saying no is difficult, especially in a love affair. It takes time for the man to date women to find one worthy of their time and energy. They fear that if they say no, all that time will be lost and they'll be back to square one.

I differ. I do not fear loneliness as much as I fear a bad relationship. Bad relationships start when one party is not honest and communicative of their wishes and needs. I am honest from the start. The minute that the situation changes, I will be the first one to notice and communicate the issue. It is better to work to fix a problem than to let it simmer before it boils over. Saying no is like taking a boiled-over pot from the stove before it has a chance to boil over.

Boundaries are so important in any relationship, but if a fear of loneliness causes us to lie and tell people what they want to hear, then the relationship will implode with far greater force than the minor reaction that comes from being told no for the first time.

If you want to fully be a man, you must learn to say no. No to your parents, no to your boss or manager, no to your lover or girlfriend or wife. When you finally say yes, they will covet that answer much more, and respect it because they know you will follow through.


MindfulMama said...

Sigh. I think one of the drawbacks of meeting your partner young is that you aren't quite mature and therefore those boundaries don't get drawn early. Well, perhaps in some cases but not in mine. These issues do creep up, slowly and surely, over the years. And by then, they are hard to establish.

No perfect way to play it, I'm afraid. But it';s a good life all the same.

Ms. Mandy said...

It is a sign of maturity level to differentiate the genders in that respect.

Male/female's have the same personality in that way. An immature PERSON, is an imamture person.

I comepletley agree that a mature male will be able to say no. and I think they exact same of females. A mature female will also say what they mean and say yes when they mean yes and also be able to say NO. Boy's are not more likely to say yes when they do not mean it, than girls.

If they don't mean what they say, they don't mean what they say.

Mia Barista said...

Of all the awesome things we discussed, you chose to write about that lame question? Thanks for making me sound clueless and desperate...ooooo you're in trouble, Sane!