These uninteresting boys and girls...

I've had an interesting email back and forth for the past few days with a new online friend that has taken the same shape as some recent online chats, in-person discussions and other email back-and-forths with various ladies: men and their uninteresting displays of feelings.

I blame Hollywood. In the movies, the guy always seems to spew emotional nonsense, and the lady love interest swoons eventually. Even the audience does, with the big ole "awww" choreographed by writers and cinematographers and actors and the director. So maybe the boys of the world decided to take a little hint from the movies and become these idiots of massive feelings.

I don't understand it, for whatever reason it happens. It seems there are two types of guys out there (three, if you include me): the ones who are so cold that no one knows what they feel, and the ones that are so hot that they spew feelings vomit (as another female blogger likes to say) all over your soul. Both of these guys are not men, ladies, they're still little boys looking for an ego stroke. Run, girls, run.

If I am with a woman who I am dating, I don't think it's necessary to ask "Are we dating?" In time, the answer will provide itself, usually within the first 2 dates. If by date #2 it is not obvious to me that we're going out on dates, I shift into pal mode. I don't push the issue, I don't ask those questions, I don't try to change her mind or my mind. The chemistry wasn't there for one of us (or both of us), so let's be friends. Why would a man ever step forward and show his cards by asking that question?

Another one that I can't figure out is a man saying "I really like you" or "I've liked you since ________." If you are attracted to a woman, ASK HER OUT. That's a sign of having an attraction for her. It's not that hard, just go up to her and say "I want to take you out soon, can I have your phone number?" Cha-ching.

If she refuses to give you her number but asks for yours, go ahead and give it but don't give her much time to call. 1 week tops. If she calls way after that, move along, little puppy dog. She wasn't that interested in you in the first place, there are billions of women out there.

I've heard of men who whine that a woman they're dating is closed off or frigid or doesn't show him her desire for him. Then what does this lame boy do? He asks her about it. VERBALLY. Hello interest-level-destroyer. How about rather than talking to her about why she doesn't show you any interest, you dump her ass and move along to a better gal? She'll learn, when she's still single years later, wondering why she didn't take a chance on a great guy instead of trying to attract the attention of a complete buffoon who is bouncing from pretty-girl to pretty-girl nightly.

I can't figure it out. If a woman I like doesn't show me hints that she digs my shit, I move on. I can look back at dozens of women who held themselves to ridiculously high standards who are now in their mid-30s and still single. Those very same women thought they were going to get their Brad Pitt and now they don't have a chance for Screech. Let it go, fellows. She's one person, she's not worth you pining over her for years and years. No one is.

And, ladies, when a guy is that dumb that he's going to show you his entire self, what's the point of dating him any longer? He just told you everything, and now you're going to head into that territory I called permanent boredom. A true man lets you know he likes you by being interested in you when he's with you. If he's more interested in himself, it's going to end badly. Run.

When he's away from you, he's doing whatever he likes or has to do. Save the story-telling and emotions swapping for when you are together, and keep them physical and interesting. Using words to try to express one's feelings shows weakness most of the time.

Guys, save words for those really rare moments when you want it to count. Saying "I love you" or "You're beautiful" over and over makes those words have much less value. Showing it through spending quality time, remembering details about her, and being truly interested in what her life is about -- that's the best way to show your attraction to her. If she doesn't respond in kind, hit the road.

It's a messy time period for Americans, that's for sure. It's very hard to try to find someone who is your equal, but who still has a mystery about them that keeps you interested. I know so many guys and gals who judge their possible dating partners strictly on looks or education or job, when none of these things really makes the person who they are. I prefer to be focused on goals and passions, matching sex drives and intelligence (outside of whatever bullshit degree they like to brag about).

That's where I know I am different. Finding people to take on first dates is easy, finding people to take on third dates is almost impossible. I'm dealing with children, both men and women, who just aren't ready to grow up and aim for something interesting and fulfilling and fun. Maybe that's why I do better with foreign women, truly foreign women. That sense of entitlement seems to be more rare in foreign women than in American women, probably due to the same reason American men are broken: Hollywood.

Kiss my ass, Hollywood. You'll never change my dating style. You'll never ruin the fun I have getting to know someone, seeing if we're compatible, seeing if she wants to tease me as much as I want to tease her. I'll never complain about dating the way most do, because I am willing to go WAY outside of my typical "type" or "boundaries" for a chance at an amazing run. Even if it doesn't last forever and ever till death do us part, it can still be a great relationship.

Boys say yes, Men say no

I had a wonderful chat last night with an irregular reader. I asked her a question about men that bothers her and she asked "Why do men say yes when they mean to say no?"

Her question was queried incorrectly. Real men do not say yes when they mean no. This is a vile habit of boys (immature males). The transition from boyhood to manhood does not come with hage, but with maturity. I transitioned in my early teens.

I believe in saying no often. If I am unsure of an answer (maybe, possibly, eventually), I'll say no but I will offer two choices. If I am sure the answer is no, I will say no. Why? This makes my yes answers more valuable, and it means I can focus my time better on the things I can do.

When I offer a yes answer, I stick to my guns about it. If I make a promise, I keep it. If I can't keep it, I let the other person know as soon as I am unsure of the outcome, even if I will try to follow through completely. Letting some down early is a key element of being a man. Avoiding the reality of personal failure is a mark of immaturity.

Why do immature men (boys) say yes when they mean no? They are afraid. They have no confidence in their relationship with the person they're lying to. They fear losing them if they refuse for whatever reason. A mature man who is able to say no will set the stage for a more stable relationship. He will let others know his boundaries, and then understand their boundaries as they will be more honest with him.

Saying no is difficult, especially in a love affair. It takes time for the man to date women to find one worthy of their time and energy. They fear that if they say no, all that time will be lost and they'll be back to square one.

I differ. I do not fear loneliness as much as I fear a bad relationship. Bad relationships start when one party is not honest and communicative of their wishes and needs. I am honest from the start. The minute that the situation changes, I will be the first one to notice and communicate the issue. It is better to work to fix a problem than to let it simmer before it boils over. Saying no is like taking a boiled-over pot from the stove before it has a chance to boil over.

Boundaries are so important in any relationship, but if a fear of loneliness causes us to lie and tell people what they want to hear, then the relationship will implode with far greater force than the minor reaction that comes from being told no for the first time.

If you want to fully be a man, you must learn to say no. No to your parents, no to your boss or manager, no to your lover or girlfriend or wife. When you finally say yes, they will covet that answer much more, and respect it because they know you will follow through.