Monday, July 6, 2009

These uninteresting boys and girls...

I've had an interesting email back and forth for the past few days with a new online friend that has taken the same shape as some recent online chats, in-person discussions and other email back-and-forths with various ladies: men and their uninteresting displays of feelings.

I blame Hollywood. In the movies, the guy always seems to spew emotional nonsense, and the lady love interest swoons eventually. Even the audience does, with the big ole "awww" choreographed by writers and cinematographers and actors and the director. So maybe the boys of the world decided to take a little hint from the movies and become these idiots of massive feelings.

I don't understand it, for whatever reason it happens. It seems there are two types of guys out there (three, if you include me): the ones who are so cold that no one knows what they feel, and the ones that are so hot that they spew feelings vomit (as another female blogger likes to say) all over your soul. Both of these guys are not men, ladies, they're still little boys looking for an ego stroke. Run, girls, run.

If I am with a woman who I am dating, I don't think it's necessary to ask "Are we dating?" In time, the answer will provide itself, usually within the first 2 dates. If by date #2 it is not obvious to me that we're going out on dates, I shift into pal mode. I don't push the issue, I don't ask those questions, I don't try to change her mind or my mind. The chemistry wasn't there for one of us (or both of us), so let's be friends. Why would a man ever step forward and show his cards by asking that question?

Another one that I can't figure out is a man saying "I really like you" or "I've liked you since ________." If you are attracted to a woman, ASK HER OUT. That's a sign of having an attraction for her. It's not that hard, just go up to her and say "I want to take you out soon, can I have your phone number?" Cha-ching.

If she refuses to give you her number but asks for yours, go ahead and give it but don't give her much time to call. 1 week tops. If she calls way after that, move along, little puppy dog. She wasn't that interested in you in the first place, there are billions of women out there.

I've heard of men who whine that a woman they're dating is closed off or frigid or doesn't show him her desire for him. Then what does this lame boy do? He asks her about it. VERBALLY. Hello interest-level-destroyer. How about rather than talking to her about why she doesn't show you any interest, you dump her ass and move along to a better gal? She'll learn, when she's still single years later, wondering why she didn't take a chance on a great guy instead of trying to attract the attention of a complete buffoon who is bouncing from pretty-girl to pretty-girl nightly.

I can't figure it out. If a woman I like doesn't show me hints that she digs my shit, I move on. I can look back at dozens of women who held themselves to ridiculously high standards who are now in their mid-30s and still single. Those very same women thought they were going to get their Brad Pitt and now they don't have a chance for Screech. Let it go, fellows. She's one person, she's not worth you pining over her for years and years. No one is.

And, ladies, when a guy is that dumb that he's going to show you his entire self, what's the point of dating him any longer? He just told you everything, and now you're going to head into that territory I called permanent boredom. A true man lets you know he likes you by being interested in you when he's with you. If he's more interested in himself, it's going to end badly. Run.

When he's away from you, he's doing whatever he likes or has to do. Save the story-telling and emotions swapping for when you are together, and keep them physical and interesting. Using words to try to express one's feelings shows weakness most of the time.

Guys, save words for those really rare moments when you want it to count. Saying "I love you" or "You're beautiful" over and over makes those words have much less value. Showing it through spending quality time, remembering details about her, and being truly interested in what her life is about -- that's the best way to show your attraction to her. If she doesn't respond in kind, hit the road.

It's a messy time period for Americans, that's for sure. It's very hard to try to find someone who is your equal, but who still has a mystery about them that keeps you interested. I know so many guys and gals who judge their possible dating partners strictly on looks or education or job, when none of these things really makes the person who they are. I prefer to be focused on goals and passions, matching sex drives and intelligence (outside of whatever bullshit degree they like to brag about).

That's where I know I am different. Finding people to take on first dates is easy, finding people to take on third dates is almost impossible. I'm dealing with children, both men and women, who just aren't ready to grow up and aim for something interesting and fulfilling and fun. Maybe that's why I do better with foreign women, truly foreign women. That sense of entitlement seems to be more rare in foreign women than in American women, probably due to the same reason American men are broken: Hollywood.

Kiss my ass, Hollywood. You'll never change my dating style. You'll never ruin the fun I have getting to know someone, seeing if we're compatible, seeing if she wants to tease me as much as I want to tease her. I'll never complain about dating the way most do, because I am willing to go WAY outside of my typical "type" or "boundaries" for a chance at an amazing run. Even if it doesn't last forever and ever till death do us part, it can still be a great relationship.


Megan said...

wow - profound and true! glad to know that there are still men out there who recognize that women with outlandish standards are the ones who are still left alone at 30 [something]. although, maybe you can answer this for me: i'm 31, professional, grounded, kind, and open to growth. while my standards aren't sub-par, i'm certainly not looking for brad pitt. i'm just looking for a confident, stable and well-aware man. how come i'm still here and playing the sarah jessica parker role here in chicago?