Monday, July 13, 2009

The problem with Sane and the ladies

Written earlier and posted while I'm having lunch in Greektown.

I received some great emails and chats over the past few weeks from a variety of ladies (where are the fucking MEN) aghast at my pickiness over women.

It doesn't take long for me to search through years of journals to come up with the reason for my pickiness. It isn't my lack of attraction for a woman or confidence issues or the lack of desire on my part to take a vertical girl and make her horizontal in 3 seconds. It isn't any fear of commitment or lack of wanting to share my heart. It isn't that I set ungodly high standards, even.

The number one problem I am facing, and have faced for more than 3 years, is the lack of women who are interested in chasing and being chased, but not in the most obvious fashion.

I've gone out on a number of dates: some obviously dates, others ended up being dates or just being fun times with a beautiful lady. They've always ended up with two different outcomes: (a) she wasn't attracted to me or (b) she was TOO attracted to me. Both are downers, really.

I like teasing and I love being teased. Even though I often write about how women are generally the first ones to kiss me, I prefer to be the one to kiss them first. But I don't do that unless they're showing signs of attraction, and lately most women act like little girls and are totally hands off, even if they find me hot. Hence why they end up kissing me first.

When it comes to even a purely sexual relationship with a friend-with-benefits, I still like those signs of attraction that the well trained woman offers: the touches, the smiles, pulling hair away from my face so she can watch me talk and listen, the hand on my side or my shoulder, the stares at my face while I drive. This form of teasing HAS to exist at some point before I make a move or let her make a move, because it is a solid foundation of attraction.

I had a great friend who turned into a lover not too long ago (years, but not decades). I lusted after her from day 1, but she never showed a sign. Months past and we ran around the town, having a blast at dinner, drinking, even goofy fun at her pad. Then one day, she emails me and asks me if I find her attractive. Umm, yeah, duh.

So we end up making out -- a lot. She was a terrible kisser, one of the worst ever. I taught her to slow down, to show me her desire by NOT destroying my face and tongue and lips. Eventually, she got the gist of kissing and things were solid. We'd jerk off in front of each other (often) but I never touched her below the neck. When the clothes came off, we'd spoon but not fuck.

Finally, we had sex and it wasn't that good. I only came maybe 1 out of 4 times, she just wasn't a good lover. She was so hands off physically, but she'd tell me how much she was attracted to me. To this day she continues to tell me that I'm the most attractive man she's ever met, let alone been with.

I broke it off after a few months, not really wanting to be with her sexually. It hurt her, but it didn't destroy her. She had a hot body and a cute face, so finding another guy to date or just fuck wasn't hard. Yet her scene was mostly boys with big dreams but no goals, so of course she bored and swept through a chain of boys in short order. We never touched again, I had no desire.

When I think about the boredom in bed, I can attribute it to the lack of her showing me she wanted me, being part of that great tease that can stay solid for years through a relationship. In some of my emails, you readers have told me that I need to jump the gun and kiss everyone I go out with, just to see. Here's the thing: I don't. If a lady isn't mature enough to play the game correctly, then she's going to be a boring lover, even if she's good in bed.

Looking over EVERY first date I've been on, I can honestly say that I've been attracted to practically everyone, but none have shown me the type of soft teasing that I really like. Saying to my face that I'm hot or that they want me is nice and all, but it's not as nice as the sly look in their eyes when they show me how much they want me in some way, and are willing to play it slowly at least for one night.

So I usually go out on a first date, and then never a second. Some fall into friendship roles, some pass away into the night like ships passing. Rarely do I notice the wake trails because the tease was never there.

It's rough on me, especially as I age. I tried dating some women closer to my age, but there is such animosity and anger towards men. I try to explain to them that their 20s was about dating boys with no goals, no successes, no passions, but few understand. They just want to feel 25 again and they can't. They could, with me, but the drama and baggage is too heavy for me to lift.

So I date younger. I'm shocked lately that the majority of people I meet who aren't that much younger than me consider me too old to date. I've heard it from 10 women in the past 6 months alone, and yet all I hear from most of them lately is how immature the guys are they date. 1+1=2, it's not hard to figure out.

On the asking-out front, I've been bombing a LOT lately. It's odd to me that in LA I crashed and burned 100%. In Chicago my numbers have been a little bit better, maybe getting the phone number from 1 in 5 women I talk to. It's not a horrible percentage, I'm not a 6'1" alumnus with the face of Johnny Depp, so I push forward. Yet when I go out on first dates there, it's the same ritual: either they jump on me too fast, or they don't give me a single sign of interest.

So that's where I am: a whole slew of pretty girls in my life, and either they're not into me (which is fine) or they're too into me (which is an ego stroke but bad for my sex drive). Yet I'll keep on keeping on, looking for someone to spend time with -- but not too much time; someone to make out with -- but not try to force them to be with me and only me; someone to fuck -- but not force into a love affair that neither of us can handle.

It's not a rough life, bachelorhood, but it does get boring. I never feel lonely, but incomplete without a fun person I can hitch to my wing and fly through life at a slow pace, eating the best foods, drinking the best cocktails, fucking with intensity when desired and passion when required. As the midsummer nights approach, I start wondering if I am doing the right thing turning down those who are too into me.

I think so. I can't break a heart, because it takes a little piece of mine when I do.


Lucy At Home said... my age, there's no hormonal attraction on either side - I have no estrogen left, the men my age have very little testosterone, and act like they're still in high school - afraid to touch a girl! If a man can't give ME a clue that he's interested in me during the first 99% of a date, he better not try to kiss me during the las 1% of it.

Aritza Goddess said...

I think I get what you're saying. The chase is half the fun, when it's done right. It's hard to find someone where the right level of chasing is attained of both sides. To chase and be chased, just enough. Good luck :o) We all need it !

Kali said...

What if the girl has exactly the same mindset as you?


sexinsuburbs said...

I wish you lived here. We could have some fun :)