Sunday, May 31, 2009
It wasn't by a girlfriend, or a lover, or a fuck buddy, or a friend with benefit. It wasn't by an actual friend, or someone I've even met. I don't know her name, I don't know where she lives, I vaguely remember her age. I've never seen a photograph, swapped phone numbers, or been invited to say hi to her at work. And yet, I was dumped, or maybe I did the dumping. It's hard to say, in virtual relationships.
I won't get into too much detail about who she is or how we met. We met online, let's say through a blog. Maybe my blog, maybe another person's blog, maybe her blog, if she has one. Leave it at that.
A few weeks ago, she hit me up late night on my anonymous chat, as some of you do. I love chatting with my readers, even the ones who are critical of me. I appreciate criticism as much, or even more, than compliments. Keep the comments, emails, phone calls and chats coming in: you all are helping me formulate better direction for my thoughts.
This gal was interesting in some ways, but droll in most. She felt like my anti-thesis in many ways. Our jobs surely were on opposite sides of the coins (although I do believe I would like her industry, and I surely will give it a go some day!). Our penchant for people are complete opposites. Our sex lives, opposite. Our motivations, opposite.
Maybe that's why I was OK with chatting with her so much, for so long. Often times she used emotional-verbal traps to try to guilt me into feeling somehow wrong about my decisions I write about. There's one thing people have to understand: I have one of the fastest minds you'll ever meet, able to contemplate many different outcomes from the decisions I make. I do not hold to social mores and norms; what you think is moral or immoral means ZERO to me.
You have to understand why I feel this way: society's moral structure was designed by powerful people to control the weak. It makes ZERO sense to try to structure our own lives around what powerful people say is right and wrong.
As I tried to explain to her, all people have needs. Our needs differ from others. No two people have the same needs. You might really love pastries in the morning for breakfast: Danish, a croissant, whatever. If we were in a relationship, and I didn't have the time or ability to make pastry, you would have to go outside of the relationship for your pastry need, correct?
All our needs are either met by us, or met by others. No one's needs are met fully by a second person. It's not possible. If you really think it is, you're in a codependent relationship.
She chastised me for sleeping with married women or women with significant boyfriends. She said if they weren't happy with sex, they should have broken up with the guys. I disagreed, saying that it may not be that they were unhappy with sex, but they had FORGOTTEN about passionate sex. I have a history of having passionate sex with entangled women, then turning them back to their significant others to reintroduce that flame of passion in their bedroom. In my opinion, I have succeeded almost 100% of the time.
It's amazing what a passionate man can bring to the bedroom that adapts the entire relationship for passion outside of it. I can prove, time and again, that passionate, monogamous sex is almost a barometer of non-emotional stability in a relationship.
And yet, I don't always say "yes" when an entangled woman invites me to her bedroom. In fact, I say "no" far more often. I don't just let a woman pick me up, take me home, and sleep with me. I learn about her needs, all her needs (in and out of the bedroom). I try to understand what the source of her pain and troubles may be. I try to judge if her problems stem from an honest hatred of her relationship, or something minor that can be helped.
Sometimes, I offer financial advice, as money can be the great disruptor in other parts of the relationship. More often than not, my advice revolves around trimming spending and getting a second job.
Sometimes, I offer advice regarding changing their appearance or personality. A lukewarm woman can show herself as cold and uninteresting just on dress and makeup alone. It's amazing what a significant change on the outside can do to a person on the inside. Ever get a haircut or even a car wash and just feel happy? Try it with clothes and shoes, go complete opposite.
Rarely, I offer sexual advice on how they can add spice to their sex lives, if they have them. I've written about this before as a way for married women to get their husbands interested in sex.
On VERY rare occasions, I let them proposition me to go back to my bed or theirs or a hotel room bedroom. This does not happen often, but it happens. I've never regretted it, and neither have they. If it happens, it is not just about my needs, but about re-opening a closed book in the woman, in her mind, her heart, her body, her soul. Re-opening sexual desire can re-ignite a stale relationship. But if the man has lost interest, that ignition can never happen.
The virtual friend who dumped me (or whom I dumped) hated that I used the word plebe in regards to many people. I didn't mean her, but I did mean some of the people she likely sees on a daily basis. I have no taste for the commoner whose life revolves around the EXACT SAME THING every day. I like to see people with passion in their lives in some way.
If people aren't passionate, I don't really waste my time with them. I'm on a path in my life. My life is not a single defined item. To most plebians, relationships are single defined items. I don't see it that way. As I've said before, relationships, ANY relationships, are two people ONLY who are moving on their own individual paths. Those paths are convergent for a period of time. Maybe it's the 2 years you used the same dry cleaner, or the 4 year love affair you had after college. Maybe it's with your folks, or with a neighbor.
Those relationships don't stay convergent forever. They move away, back together, criss cross, and sometimes bifurcate forever. You can't look at the relationship as a whole, but instead as a series of individual points of the two people, measure their distance from each other, track the progress.
How many relationships can be saved with infidelity? Few, not many. None, if one or either person is a plebian. But a passionate couple who has lost the spark of sexual passion CAN be reintroduced to it when one person has their eyes and soul reopened. It's usually the woman, too.
I don't regret pissing this woman off. She had nothing to offer me, really, other than hearing her sordid tales of trying to get laid with a new guy, or whatever it was that she had on her mind. She pretty much told me I will never know who she is, we'll never meet. She is worthless to me, beyond dead. I don't like virtual relationships for long. They wear me out. I can't see them talk, I have no idea if they're real, lying to me, lying to themselves.
But she didn't guilt me. If anything we ended exactly where we started: I am on a path, and she is running in circles. No loss to me. Good riddance, as I always say when a commoner points to the glow in my life and screams "sinner!" If you, too, hate what I write, you should take your leave now.