Thursday, May 28, 2009

Unpaid Rent: Evicting a "Friend"

I got some heat (in comments, in emails, in chats, and even one on the phone) over what I said a few days ago about getting rid of some gal pals who offer me nothing. In real life, most of my friends agree.

Miguel, my gay hot mama, told me I'm absolutely right. Miguel is usually right about women issues, as odd as that sounds. Maybe he's hiding a pair of ovaries.

On the other hand, a confidant of mine said that I'm stupid for nuking some friends: she said that having a bunch of sideliners means I will always have something to do.

I'm going with Miguel on this one: Gay Male 1, Straight Female 0.

Let's look at the relationships I want to break off:

1. We're JUST friends (either I don't find her attractive, or vice versa)
2. We only hang out when I send the invitation
3. They never call/email/text unless it's something emotionally wracking
4. When we do hang out, they're all about me being a wingman for all of 15 minutes
5. When we do hang out, it's always about them
6. Some actually think it's OK for me to buy them dinner and drinks all the time
7. There is no chance of anything changing
8. Their complaints or items of sadness never change

Honestly, I see not one reason to keep them in my life. There are a few I'd consider moving to fuck buddy status (at least I get something out of it), but I'm not their type, or they prefer to play the field until it's brown and muddy. That's not my type.

I talked to Miguel yesterday for a bit, and we made a list of 11 women who are ready for the chopping block. I'm fairly lucky because I'm in the driver's seat in terms of handling it easily. Here's how I break it off with a friend:

1. Delete them from Facebook. People rarely notice right away.
2. Delete them from my phone contact. If they text me, I won't know who they are anyway. Experience: people aren't too happy when you text them "Who is this?" It's usually a sign that I have no time for them anymore
3. Don't prioritize them in my Inbox. I get about a billion actual emails a day. Thanks to Google's filters, I setup many people in various priority groups (tags) and go through those groups in order of importance. People not in a priority group get dumped to the basic Inbox area, and it can take me 2-3 weeks to get back to them.

Of the 11 who I am getting rid of, ASAP, 4 won't notice. 4 will notice, but only after they're screwed over by another identical moron they're dating who does the same shit as the last one, only hoping to get in their pants. 3 will notice right away, but there's no time to spend reinvigorating a friendship.

Like a stale serious relationship, stale friendships are better off gone. The amount of time and expense I spend trying to keep a friendship from getting stale is not worth my time. I meet new people every day, and many of them are more aggressive about sticking to my secret rules of being in my life.

I will miss 2 of them, both gals that I'd have liked to pursue as more than friends, but was rebuffed. I did like spending time with them, but I was breaking a rule: get turned down, keep your crush, lose the friend. Pretty simple rule, and I almost always abide by it.

I don't have any sadness when I do this. It happens about every 6 months. You know who your friends are, you know who your friends aren't. I'm actually happier knowing I'm getting rid of dead weight, and I'm starting my eviction process today. I'll post updates to see how many notice, and how long it takes.

Sidenote: This is NOT passive aggressive. Someone who has no interest in generating ideas on things to do is pretty much useless as a friend. It's too one-sided, and I don't have time for one-sided relationships of any kind. Let it be a lesson to those who are pursuing people and not getting pursued back: send them packing.


MindfulMama said...

I am 100% with you on this. I do it at least annually, generally once a season. Weeding the garden.

ellabella said...

I personally think that deleting someone as a Facebook friend is about as low as it gets. It comes across as highly passive-aggressive...even cowardly. And it's not just me...I have a number of friends who feel exactly the same way. The thought process is that it takes just as much effort to actually go through and delete someone on a social network as it would be to shoot them an e-mail and explain what your actual beef with them is.