Saturday, May 30, 2009

Losing a friend over sex

I've slept with friends and became friends with girls I've slept with. Sex has never ruined a friendship for me because my friends know that I can separate sex (a need) with love (a need). It's like separating eating hot dogs from drinking cola. They're both needs, but they don't always have to go together.

The one friend I lost over sex was an interesting situation.

Peg's dad had died. She was 23, I was 22. We were very, very close since the age of 18. Peg's dad was awesome and died under unusual circumstances. It was not expected, to say the least.

When I heard, I flew home immediately from doing business in Switzerland. I think the plane ticket cost me $3000 on cattle class. I was on a flight within 3 hours of getting the call, and back home within 11 hours.

I spent the night consoling her. I took her to the funeral. Peg and I were never more than friends, maybe even best friends. We'd judge each other's dates, we'd wingman one another, we'd laugh while riding roller coasters or riding horses or attempting to snowboard. It was a good friendship. Once, when drunk, the topic came up of why we never even kissed. I said that it was because she was hot, but not my type. She said she agreed, and I believed her.

After the funeral, I took her home and we talked until late at night. Peg and I had many late nights, and she always invited me to her bedroom to sleep. We never cuddled, never kissed, never even touched. It was just a big queen-sized bed.

This night was a bit different. There was no alcohol. In her bed, she rolled over and tossed me the ultimate High Fidelity question: "Sane, will you sleep with me?"

If you've seen High Fidelity, highlight between the lines to read the script:

“Listen, Rob, would you have sex with me? Because I want to feel something else than this. It’s either that or I go home and put my hand in the fire.”

I didn't understand her, so I told her I didn't think it was wise, because of what had happened. "That's WHY I want to sleep with you. I need to feel complete in some way." I thought about it for a good 20 minutes, and finally told her no. She kicked me out of bed.

In all honesty, I'd probably have slept with her given ANY other circumstance. She was pretty, had a great body, and I knew she wasn't cold in bed. We just never really hooked up because we found each other attractive for others, but not ourselves. So when the proposition happened, I didn't feel right about it.

We never really talked after that. I tried adding her to Facebook, but she declined. This is over a decade later. It amazes me that a friendship can be ruined from a LACK of sex. I don't think she had a crush on me or anything like that (talking to friends later confirmed that she always answered their questions saying I was cute but not her type). I believe I just dropped the ball on a friend that needed me, and I didn't fulfill her needs.

What would you have done, in my shoes, with full 20:20 hindsight?


katiri said...

If I were in that position, and I thought I shouldn't have sex with her, because she was vulnerable, I would tell her to wait until morning, go to breakfast with me, and if she still wanted to . . . alrighty then.

I'd think that in this about of time, Peg would have the 20/20 hindsight to respect your choice back then and want to be your friend. But are you certain that's the reason she isn't in touch with you? Could be something else . . .

Tessa said...

I was thinking on this, and I don't think there is a right thing to do.

Not knowing Peg, but having been in that extreme state of mind, I understand what she was asking for. I also understand that very few people are in a position to understand what it is they are being asked to give.

Ms. Mandy said...

Sane, I wouldn't beat yourself up over this. It was a catch 22. Most likely if you had given her a pity fuck, she would have seen it as taking advantage of her at a weak moment. And she felt rejected when you did not. Like you abandoned her. I don't think it was a battle you could have won.