Wednesday, May 6, 2009

The Unremarkable Man: a beneficial lie

Part of an ongoing series on dating.

It's easy, almost a habit, for a man to brag about his luck, wealth, job, conquests, amazing experiences or talents. We do it naturally, assuming that we'll gain points with the women we date.

Sadly, nothing could be further from the truth.

A successful man needs not compete with Donald Trump or Johnny Depp. Most women we'll date, even models or actresses or wealthy socialites, have no need to hear about our best successes. When we do brag, the most consistent response is a rolling of the eyes. "Oh, oh, here it starts," she'll be thinking.

What works best is when a man's best talents come to be known through surprise or happenstance. If you're a wealthy businessman, it makes more sense to play it as being a hardworking and comfortable owner than to claim your riches and show off the toys you own. It may work with golddiggers, but a true woman is going to be more impressed with your non-verbal cues of comfort and financial stability.

Use a debit card instead of a flash credit card. If you have one, hide it behind your ID for emergencies or for use when you're alone.

Don't carry or flash big bills. A few $20s and smaller for tips is just fine. Many guys your age have no cash and 15 credit cards. What a turn-off for good women.

Don't brag about what you bought, where you've traveled to, who you know or what your resources are. If you have an in for VIP treatment at a club, don't mention it at all. Only if she asks after you've been given that treatment should you answer in a brush-off way: "Oh, I know a guy or two, it's no big deal." Then immediately ask her if she knows anyone anywhere. Let her do the exciting bragging.

Don't be macho about sex, either. If it comes up, say "I know enough to be dangerous." Don't turn it into an in to assume she wants to sleep with you. If the issue of past lovers comes up, never offer a firm number. "I've been with fewer than you'd think, but more than I probably would have now that I'm more mature." Then change the subject. Don't ask her the same question. Ask about roommates, past jobs, favorite oldies from her childhood, etc.

If she asks you questions about odds and ends in your life: your car, your family, your hobbies, your favorite things, be short and to the point but not specific.  Showing an interest in her opinions and not being too involved in yourself is a great way to get her to dig more into your life later.  I drive a foreign 2-door, and I generally leave it at that.  I'm close to my family and try to visit them weekly, then ask her about hers (favorite sibling? rivalries?).  In terms of hobbies, I tend to go with the flow and seek out things that are intersting, dabbling in many areas but having a few passions.  Rather than get specific on the passions, I'll ask her what her passionate hobbies are and follow that course.

Why come off as unremarkable?  Because you should live remarkably, speak unremarkably.  If you're rich, she'll sense it through the way you act, not through your words and braggadocio.  If you like certain hobbies, she'll figure it out when she sees the books you have on them, notices a magazine in your car, or hears about it when you have to pass on a date because you've got bowling night with the boys.

Let her find things out through happenstance, which will pique her interest.  When she is interested, she'll ask more.  Continue to turn those questions on her: women talk, men listen, all is kosher in the world.

The moment your mouth stays open longer than hers, expect the virtual eye-rolling to be happening in her head.  That is, until she's completely enamored with you and makes the steps necessary to really dig in.


"Celine" said...

Mmhmm. I wonder who this worked on? :-D

ChicagoSane said...

I have no idea! I'm hurt that you think I used the jedi mind trick on you.

"Celine" said...

You darling sexy little man. So are you coming out to see "Paulo" and I?

ChicagoSane said...

Little? Well, I guess I _AM_ 1 inch shorter than you. Didn't seem to mess things up, did it?

I don't think I'll make it. Trust me, I'd love to see you (and him), but I have to get things prepped since my place is emptied out. Lotso stupid work to do.

Next week, maybe?