Women don't initiate sex! Or do they?

An email from another anonymous female reader, this one not so positive.  I asked and received approval to answer it publicly.  The email is from Shane (a girl's name, I had to ask):

No woman will ask a man to bed so quickly, and not 10 women or whatever you wrote about in time's past.  I don't believe it.

If you don't take charge, the women will get bored and find another guy.

My response, written on the plane from Houston today:

I've heard this before.  I've heard it from women I've been casual friends with who said they'd never beg a guy for sex, they'd never invite him into their bedroom if he wasn't already grabbing at them or kissing them or making typical snide male comments about sex.

I've slept with some of those naysayers.  When?  When they begged me to.  When they put their mouths on me.  When they started showing signs of desire or desperation.  I proved them wrong.  I don't know you Shane, but I think I can convince you nonetheless.

I'm a gentleman, but I'm not nice.  I'm not handsome, but I'm confident of my attractiveness to some of the opposite sex.  I don't wear my heart on my sleeve, and I tend to keep my mouth shut even when prompted.  My eyes give away everything, if women are attentive enough to realize it.

If I am attracted to someone, you'll know it.  My posture will be taller, I'll make casual teasing glances towards you when we're not face to face.  I'll face my body away from you instead of towards you.  I won't act shy, but confident.  I'll walk like a man, and I'll listen like a good man.

All women show signs when you're attracted to men; more laughing, simple touches of the man's body (shoulders, arms, hands, back), touching your own body (mouth or hair or ear or hands).  When a woman shows me her desire or attraction, I'll put myself in a closer position to let it increase.  It's not hard to be a good tease while still keeping my thoughts mysterious and hidden.

When I'm wooing a woman, I'm open to your questions.  I won't prompt for them, but you'll be comfortable in minutes, not hours or weeks or months.  I won't be afraid to look at another pretty woman in front of you, but I'll give you more attention than anyone else in the room.  I'll remember important things in the conversation, and bounce them back at you for further information.  You won't be talking to a man who is looking at your tits, I'll be looking in your eyes.

I don't turn women down, I won't turn you down.  We may not have sex, but I'm always open to at least kissing, even with friends.  It's just kissing.  Sometimes kissing can give us knowledge if more is worthwhile or not.  I like to kiss, and women who know me can feel it.  I've been kissed first 80% of the time, usually just moments or minutes before I was planning on it anyway.

There will never be uncomfortable silence between us.  There will never be a lack of conversation.  You will never be bored with me, no matter what it is we're doing.  You can sit on my couch with the latest book I received, and I can sit with my notepad and pen.  You'll still be excited, just because you're doing something that is exciting with me, rather than boring alone or with other guys.

I'll instill a sense of beauty, womanhood and confidence in you from the start.  You're a sexy person, you have skills and talents, no matter what you think.  You'll feel your pain and sadness and frustrations with life drain away when you talk to me.  It will get better.  You will feel better.  You'll leave me when we're done for the day and you'll feel that twinge of emptiness, but then you'll feel full and satiated.  You'll want more.

Am I cocky?  No, actually I'm not.  Am I an asshole?  No.  Casanova?  I wish.  Am I playing with your mind or your heart?  Never.  I'm open and honest, even if I am quiet and mysterious.

Even if we don't breech the subject of sex, you'll think about me in bed.  I know you will.  You may not find my face attractive or my body impressive, but you'll think about it.  When I listen, when I see through your eyes to the depths of your pain and happiness, you'll think about it again.  There's a tiger there, and most men ignore it.  Most men don't give it a chance to come out.

If you decide you want to try my bed or my couch, you'll get frustrated that I won't make a move on you.  I don't need to: I want you to want me more than anything else.  It'll burn up inside of you, you'll spend a few bucks on new C batteries.  But the day will come when you've decided to give it a chance.  You'll hate it because you think the man should be completely the suitor.  I disagree.  I give you choices, and you accept whichever one you want.

So I'll be there, looking strong and confident and assured.  I'll help you justify your life as it is today, and you'll desire my body inside of you and on you.  You'll be the one who kisses me, likely, but I'll be right there ready to accept it.  It won't feel wrong.  It won't be wrong.

If the kissing leads us to other desires and attractions, we'll sleep together, but even that is a process to increase your desire and your positive result from sex.  It won't be me begging you or getting you drunk.  I won't take advantage of you.  You'll feel like a queen that night and many days and nights afterwards.  If you want more, I'll likely be waiting, seeing if you do.  If you don't, I promise you it will effect you for a long time to come.

So, no, women don't throw themselves at me; they just read my desires and let them coincide with their own.  It isn't sex to me, it's meeting a need you have.  If you have that need, you'll come calling.

The Unremarkable Man: a beneficial lie

Part of an ongoing series on dating.

It's easy, almost a habit, for a man to brag about his luck, wealth, job, conquests, amazing experiences or talents. We do it naturally, assuming that we'll gain points with the women we date.

Sadly, nothing could be further from the truth.

A successful man needs not compete with Donald Trump or Johnny Depp. Most women we'll date, even models or actresses or wealthy socialites, have no need to hear about our best successes. When we do brag, the most consistent response is a rolling of the eyes. "Oh, oh, here it starts," she'll be thinking.

What works best is when a man's best talents come to be known through surprise or happenstance. If you're a wealthy businessman, it makes more sense to play it as being a hardworking and comfortable owner than to claim your riches and show off the toys you own. It may work with golddiggers, but a true woman is going to be more impressed with your non-verbal cues of comfort and financial stability.

Use a debit card instead of a flash credit card. If you have one, hide it behind your ID for emergencies or for use when you're alone.

Don't carry or flash big bills. A few $20s and smaller for tips is just fine. Many guys your age have no cash and 15 credit cards. What a turn-off for good women.

Don't brag about what you bought, where you've traveled to, who you know or what your resources are. If you have an in for VIP treatment at a club, don't mention it at all. Only if she asks after you've been given that treatment should you answer in a brush-off way: "Oh, I know a guy or two, it's no big deal." Then immediately ask her if she knows anyone anywhere. Let her do the exciting bragging.

Don't be macho about sex, either. If it comes up, say "I know enough to be dangerous." Don't turn it into an in to assume she wants to sleep with you. If the issue of past lovers comes up, never offer a firm number. "I've been with fewer than you'd think, but more than I probably would have now that I'm more mature." Then change the subject. Don't ask her the same question. Ask about roommates, past jobs, favorite oldies from her childhood, etc.

If she asks you questions about odds and ends in your life: your car, your family, your hobbies, your favorite things, be short and to the point but not specific.  Showing an interest in her opinions and not being too involved in yourself is a great way to get her to dig more into your life later.  I drive a foreign 2-door, and I generally leave it at that.  I'm close to my family and try to visit them weekly, then ask her about hers (favorite sibling? rivalries?).  In terms of hobbies, I tend to go with the flow and seek out things that are intersting, dabbling in many areas but having a few passions.  Rather than get specific on the passions, I'll ask her what her passionate hobbies are and follow that course.

Why come off as unremarkable?  Because you should live remarkably, speak unremarkably.  If you're rich, she'll sense it through the way you act, not through your words and braggadocio.  If you like certain hobbies, she'll figure it out when she sees the books you have on them, notices a magazine in your car, or hears about it when you have to pass on a date because you've got bowling night with the boys.

Let her find things out through happenstance, which will pique her interest.  When she is interested, she'll ask more.  Continue to turn those questions on her: women talk, men listen, all is kosher in the world.

The moment your mouth stays open longer than hers, expect the virtual eye-rolling to be happening in her head.  That is, until she's completely enamored with you and makes the steps necessary to really dig in.