Women don't initiate sex! Or do they?

An email from another anonymous female reader, this one not so positive.  I asked and received approval to answer it publicly.  The email is from Shane (a girl's name, I had to ask):

No woman will ask a man to bed so quickly, and not 10 women or whatever you wrote about in time's past.  I don't believe it.

If you don't take charge, the women will get bored and find another guy.

My response, written on the plane from Houston today:

I've heard this before.  I've heard it from women I've been casual friends with who said they'd never beg a guy for sex, they'd never invite him into their bedroom if he wasn't already grabbing at them or kissing them or making typical snide male comments about sex.

I've slept with some of those naysayers.  When?  When they begged me to.  When they put their mouths on me.  When they started showing signs of desire or desperation.  I proved them wrong.  I don't know you Shane, but I think I can convince you nonetheless.

I'm a gentleman, but I'm not nice.  I'm not handsome, but I'm confident of my attractiveness to some of the opposite sex.  I don't wear my heart on my sleeve, and I tend to keep my mouth shut even when prompted.  My eyes give away everything, if women are attentive enough to realize it.

If I am attracted to someone, you'll know it.  My posture will be taller, I'll make casual teasing glances towards you when we're not face to face.  I'll face my body away from you instead of towards you.  I won't act shy, but confident.  I'll walk like a man, and I'll listen like a good man.

All women show signs when you're attracted to men; more laughing, simple touches of the man's body (shoulders, arms, hands, back), touching your own body (mouth or hair or ear or hands).  When a woman shows me her desire or attraction, I'll put myself in a closer position to let it increase.  It's not hard to be a good tease while still keeping my thoughts mysterious and hidden.

When I'm wooing a woman, I'm open to your questions.  I won't prompt for them, but you'll be comfortable in minutes, not hours or weeks or months.  I won't be afraid to look at another pretty woman in front of you, but I'll give you more attention than anyone else in the room.  I'll remember important things in the conversation, and bounce them back at you for further information.  You won't be talking to a man who is looking at your tits, I'll be looking in your eyes.

I don't turn women down, I won't turn you down.  We may not have sex, but I'm always open to at least kissing, even with friends.  It's just kissing.  Sometimes kissing can give us knowledge if more is worthwhile or not.  I like to kiss, and women who know me can feel it.  I've been kissed first 80% of the time, usually just moments or minutes before I was planning on it anyway.

There will never be uncomfortable silence between us.  There will never be a lack of conversation.  You will never be bored with me, no matter what it is we're doing.  You can sit on my couch with the latest book I received, and I can sit with my notepad and pen.  You'll still be excited, just because you're doing something that is exciting with me, rather than boring alone or with other guys.

I'll instill a sense of beauty, womanhood and confidence in you from the start.  You're a sexy person, you have skills and talents, no matter what you think.  You'll feel your pain and sadness and frustrations with life drain away when you talk to me.  It will get better.  You will feel better.  You'll leave me when we're done for the day and you'll feel that twinge of emptiness, but then you'll feel full and satiated.  You'll want more.

Am I cocky?  No, actually I'm not.  Am I an asshole?  No.  Casanova?  I wish.  Am I playing with your mind or your heart?  Never.  I'm open and honest, even if I am quiet and mysterious.

Even if we don't breech the subject of sex, you'll think about me in bed.  I know you will.  You may not find my face attractive or my body impressive, but you'll think about it.  When I listen, when I see through your eyes to the depths of your pain and happiness, you'll think about it again.  There's a tiger there, and most men ignore it.  Most men don't give it a chance to come out.

If you decide you want to try my bed or my couch, you'll get frustrated that I won't make a move on you.  I don't need to: I want you to want me more than anything else.  It'll burn up inside of you, you'll spend a few bucks on new C batteries.  But the day will come when you've decided to give it a chance.  You'll hate it because you think the man should be completely the suitor.  I disagree.  I give you choices, and you accept whichever one you want.

So I'll be there, looking strong and confident and assured.  I'll help you justify your life as it is today, and you'll desire my body inside of you and on you.  You'll be the one who kisses me, likely, but I'll be right there ready to accept it.  It won't feel wrong.  It won't be wrong.

If the kissing leads us to other desires and attractions, we'll sleep together, but even that is a process to increase your desire and your positive result from sex.  It won't be me begging you or getting you drunk.  I won't take advantage of you.  You'll feel like a queen that night and many days and nights afterwards.  If you want more, I'll likely be waiting, seeing if you do.  If you don't, I promise you it will effect you for a long time to come.

So, no, women don't throw themselves at me; they just read my desires and let them coincide with their own.  It isn't sex to me, it's meeting a need you have.  If you have that need, you'll come calling.

Attractive girls and "normal" guys

I was actually going to cover this topic this week, but blogger Ms. Mandy beat me to the punch in a short read titled quick comment.

Part of what she says:

Attractive girls are more willing to take someone on personality because they, one, can be more selective, and two, know what looks count for. I am not the most beautiful girl in the room. However I am striking, noticeably striking. I am not a Claudia Schieffer. I'm not bombshell good looking, but I have always gotten a lot of attention from males. And after a while it becomes tiresome and redundant. You hear the same corny pick up lines, you here the same compliments, and it ceases to matter. And you begin to realize it ain't a bed of roses. And all the attention that I get is not good attention.

That's exactly right.  I left a long, drawn out comment over on her blog, so go read it.  To continue on my comment and include some reference to her post, I don't use pick up lines.  I almost never compliment a woman.  The only time I'll raise a compliment in her favor is if she compliments me first.  This isn't a mind game, it's common sense.

I see two gals in a bar: a beautiful one and an average one.  The average one will likely shoot me down, the beautiful one will likely talk to me based on just one simple introductory phrase: "Hi, what's your name?"  That's it.  Not "Hey, beautiful, I'm ChicagoSane."  If she gives me her name, bonus.  I'll talk.  If she then asks for my name, double bonus: she's showing some interest.

What is the point of telling someone something they already know (in the form of a compliment)?  I'd rather be the one who gets to know a gorgeous, sexy woman (or an average one!) who never says "Wow, you're hot" but maybe a few weeks into it says "I'm amazed at how well you know Sartre."  And I won't even say that until I get a few "You have a great ass!" or "Your smile is amazing" from her.

I don't feed women shit.  I don't feed them lines.  I don't tell corny jokes.  I don't play the field at a bar looking for "the best." If I see someone cute, I'll say hi.  If she shoots me down, who cares?  Of all the women who have shot me down in 20 years of dating (HUNDREDS of women), I've run into maybe 5 more than once.

Thanks to Ms. Mandy for covering a really important topic.

Why foreplay is unimportant (seriously)

You know you're dealing with a sex amateur when she says (publicly or privately) "Men, we need foreplay!" This is 100% completely untrue.  No woman needs foreplay for sex.  I believe in foreplay because it's a fun part of sex, but in reality, foreplay can actually happen well outside the bedroom or even the home.  Foreplay can start at dinner, or over drinks.  It can happen when you're both browsing different aisles at the bookstore, sending casual glances at each other.

The way you treat a woman in your regular life, even a woman who may just be a fuck buddy and not a significant other, has a huge effect on her sex drive when you're alone.  Men who have a certain level of confidence about themselves also find themselves considered the masters of the bedroom, and you'd be surprised how many times a woman will jump on you the moment both your sets of underwear hit the floor (or the lampshade or clock radio).

There's a secret word few women talk about, but it's the most important word to know if you want to gauge a woman's sex-drive (towards you, or men in general) and desire for you: throbbing.  No joke, guys.  We have boners, they have throbs.

Women are all aware of the throb, and it can drive them up a wall if they don't have a lover handy.  When they're ready for sex, the throb is a primary indicator.  We both have blood rush to our genitals when we're horny; men just have a more obvious indicator of the situation.  When she's there, a few teasing kisses, a couple of resisting eye glances, and she's going to attack you with no foreplay.  A little tease and sexiness in the sack when a woman is in 100% full throb mode will get her wet and ready (unless she's the kind who needs lube always, but I've yet to meet one of those) in mere seconds.

So how do you get there?  Start being sexy always.  Here's the difficult part: you're going to have to become a sexy man in steps, and it's a long, hard path.  I always recommend two ways to start: floss twice a day, and trim your fingernails as often as you can.  Clean under them, too, and wash your hands regularly.  Guys with bad hands and fingernails will hurt a woman once too often, and the throbs may end forever.  It's not a good place to be.

Foreplay is a great way to get a woman to the point of throbbing.  If she's not there when we hit the sack (but she wants sex or at least wants to please me), I use foreplay until she does get there.  With some women, it's a difficult process.  A lot of kissing and touching of non-sex areas, taking breaks from that, returning to it, and keeping it up until she's there.  I won't even go down on a girl (or touch her nipples or clit or pussy at all) unless she is there.  Touching any sex-related body part too early is a guaranteed way to STOP any throbbing that may be coming on.

So be sexy, guys, and work what you have in your favor.

More steps on how to be sexy, every day, are coming.  

A Man Offers Two Options

Part of a new and ongoing daily series on dating for men and women.

It's my firm belief that men should pick options and let women decide. Indecisive men are losers, but men who are too decisive can be assholes. By coming up with contrasting options, usually two but limited to three on rare occasions, you'll have a mark of confidence that can't be beat.

This works on dates, in bed (or against the car, in my case), and even in times of stress and argument.

Find yourself a bunch of bars, alone. Visit them during the week and on the weekend. Watch for table access, befriend the doorman and get his name. Meet a bartender (preferably female) and tip well. Learn if they're a beer bar or a cocktail bartender; this is not obvious from the type of bar you're in.

Once you've visited a dozen or two, pick your top 5. Now pick 2: one bartender with a preference for beer pours and selecting, one who makes great cocktails.

When you're on a date and she wants to drink, ask her "beer or cocktails?" Then go. It helps to know a bartender's schedule: tell your bartender you love her service and plan on bringing dates. Note: this has also giving me opportunities to score with bartenders (I've never accepted the offers, but I'll write about them in the future).

Having a cute female bartender who serves you fast and first is a great way to show that you're an interesting guy to your dates.

In bed, I like to tease by offering a girl two options: touch/suck/bite a nipple or not. I'll get close, but she has to pick. If she doesn't force herself on my mouth or lips or hands, I don't touch. The same is true with her clit, her mouth and her ass. Get close, breath soft, and let her make her decision. Do note that you'll come too fast initially doing this; it's just as hot for you as it is for her. Test it on your fuck buddy or sugar baby.

Visit many restaurants, alone, so you can ask "Parisian or burgers?" Hit the botanical gardens and the museums and propose "Flowers or paintings?" Try out local fruit markets and delis, "Cheese or mangos?"

By offering two options, you're almost guaranteed a great date. Don't give specifics until you arrive, just stay generic.

She'll love you for it, and it'll keep things interesting.

By the way, if you can't get head or get her to try something new in bed, offering options is amazing. If she touches your knees or thighs, "Ohh, that's good right there, I want your mouth there right now." While she's tickling your kneecap or thigh with her tongue, she's thinking about putting it a little higher.