Thursday, May 14, 2009

Exciting sex after the years, pounds, comfort

I've been in some long term relationships.  One lasted about 6 years, although there was a little off-and-on in those years (distance was the reason, not boredom).  I've talked to many guy friends who have been in relationships for 20 or more years.  I've talked to gal pals who are moving into their 15th year of being with the same guy.

Sex, even after a humdrum run of many years, can be exciting again.  The issue is to make sure that sex is a priority along with the rest of your responsibilities.  Good sex is a responsibility both to you and to your partner.  I'm not saying great sex will always happen, but it should happen often enough.

When I helped my married friend find her sexual woman, we started with a few major changes on the outside: her look, her finances, her role in the house.  Finances were the #1 blemish on her marital relationship with her husband, not sex.  By having her cut back on things significantly, she found more money and even more time to set aside for sex.  Cable TV and very high speed Internet are cool and all, but at $2000 a year for both sometimes, they give you lots of reasons to sit on your squishy ass.  Cutting back on utility usage is a hidden gem; I know a few friends who have saved $1500 a year with MINOR cutbacks and changes.  When you have more money in the bank, the stress of your job actually diminishes.

Physically, there is a lot you can do as well to feel like a new man or woman.  I'm a big friend of reducing the bad starches in our lives: potatoes, rice, flour, corn, pasta and bread.  I'm not saying go all-out Atkins, but starch will kill you slowly.  Starches cause insulin/sugar rebounds, which make you tired, hungry, depressed.  They also put tons of weight on your belly very fast.  By reducing starches, increasing healthy fats and adding in some fiber, shedding pounds is miraculously easy.  I stay at a healthy weight because I resist the urge to get into the starch-addiction phase.  Once you're addicted, you're stuck.  And you're fat.

What about reintroducing teasing into the relationship?  A friend of mine (Julie) wanted to get her husband back into bed.  So I told her to find a gal pal or two and do something sexy.

She left her husband a note on his take-to-work-lunch: "I'm going out with Elena tonight to Joe's Bar.  I'm going to be talking to any guy in the joint.  If a very sexy, brown-haired, 6'1" engineer decides to come by around 8 and picks me up, I'm a sure thing.  I hope he does.  Especially if he wears a tie."  Her husband Bill is a brown-haired, 6'1" engineer. 

She then left before he was fully awake, and got her hair done in a completely new way.  It wasn't her, but it was a new her.  She had her nails done, she added a few highlights, and she also had her face scrubbed with a lot less makeup and coverup put on professionally.  She picked up a nice dress that complimented her body (with a belt to hide her belly), new shoes; total cost at Target was under $100.  The dress was one that was the complete opposite of what she'd usually buy (she hated it on the rack).  I told her to buy the one she hated the most.

She drank a lot of water, which has an immediate effect on her skin.  She skipped the high-sodium soda that can rob you of that bright, sensual glow (immediately, actually).  And her and Elena went out at 7pm to the bar (by cab) and sat down.  Men were immediately talking to these lovely late-30-somethings.  They flirted, they teased, they laughed at their stupid jokes.  They felt like women again with the attention of men 10 years younger.

Bill did show up, at 8pm, dressed in a tie.  Seeing his wife talking with other men made him extremely jealous, and he re-realized her beauty yet again.  He elbowed his way into the conversation, and she playfully teased him by continuing her talk with Lucky Bachelor #2.  30 minutes later, the windows in their car were steamed up, and their sex life re-ignited.

There are hundreds of different ways to re-ignite your passion, but most of them require a change.  A change of look, a change of style, a change of venue, a change of reasoning.

If you're used to 10 whopping minutes of pleasure at night, how about morning sex?  Before the kids get up, get out of those clothes under the covers and grab his hands and get them on your hips or your shoulders.  Let him discover you're naked.  Morning sex is a great time for all men, even those with stress-induced impotence.  When was the last time you gave him a surprise blowjob, minutes after he finally put all his clothes on for work?  Ask him for some help in the bedroom when he's in the kitchen having his coffee.  Get on your knees, take off your shirt and bra, and remind him that you're his girlfriend and his mistress and his lover and his secret fantasy.  Try something differently than usual.

Ever get your guy porn?  I know, I know, many women hate it.  Men hide it.  The women are ridiculously perfect or worse.  So what?  We're visual.  Try it out: go to the local adult store or shop online and find something you think you'd like.  Wrap it up in a new pair of sexy boxers for him, and leave it where he'll find it.  A briefcase to work is awesome if he carries one.

Ever think about doing something kinky?  Here's a good one: tell him you want to see him "in action" again.  Go to a bar together but walk in apart.  Beg him to be a single man again.  Tell him you want to see him hitting on any woman in the bar: young, old, sexy, unattractive, skinny, fat, whatever.  Tell him to talk to them all.  Watch him.  Even if he gets shot down, you'll get riled up beyond belief.  You'll fuck his brains out and him yours.

Ever consider going even further?  You have a digital camera (don't use a cell phone for this).  Pick up a spare memory card.  Snap some racy photos of yourself: in the mirror, on the bed with the sheets covering areas you don't want seen, maybe let a few things slip here and there.  Print them out on that nice color printer and give your husband porn he'd love.  Then leave it on your bed (don't let the kids in) with a box of Kleenex and a bell.  Sit in your studio or office or nearby and see if he rings it.  Give him a few minutes of course.  And let him keep the nice little booklet you made (in a lockable nightstand, preferably).

Send him a text message at 4pm.  Say "I'm calling you, don't answer and DON'T listen to my voicemail around others."  Call him and say something extremely out of character for you: dirty talk, slutty talk, horny talk.  If you have problems coming up with 30 seconds, post here anonymously and I can give you some winners.  Most exciting one I heard works: "Need. Your. Cock. Now. (pause)  Come."

I have literally 200 ways to increase your sex drive and his sex drive.  Most of them work for some people, all of them work in some ways for everyone.  Don't be afraid or ashamed to let the tiger out and put the kitten to bed for an hour.  Increase your graphic talk when you spoon on HIS back.  Stop worrying about your body, and focus on what drives him: visual stimulation with mental fantasy.  Sex can be fun, it can be exciting, and it can be that way forever.


Ms. Mandy said...

You sound like an article out of Vogue my dear.

But correct.

A good way of pumping up a sex drive is just to live healthier lives. I am known for being sort of bitchy to people that are slightly over weight and vocalizing my opinion of there body fat. And it's not a put down. I don't think a little fat is unattractive. But not having excess fat on your body and just exercise in itslself will make a person feel better about themselves. (I'm not saying become an anorexic stick figure, I'm saying exercise and eat healthy).

When I felt sluggish and gained a few pounds...I got me to a gym. I started walking to work instead of transportation. Little things.

There is NO excuse for obesity! And I will call you a fatass!

Andy said...

@Ms Mandy : Vogue? More like Cosmo!

And well, I still think sexiness (and thus, your partner's sex drive) depends in a large part of self-confidence. Of course, things are way easier when you know you look good on the outside.

But what happens when you don't? Well, it's not the end of the world. Women must know that as long as they know how to play with their partner's sex-drive, great sex is more likely to happen.

Slowly, the inside will start reflecting on the outside. If a woman is confident about herself, soon she'll feel AND look sexy. Once she feels sexy, she will try to look sexier. The rest is automatic.

MindfulMama said...

I am studying this post. Making notes: reduce starches; more healthy fats, etc.

I need help!! I went to have breakfast today and had no idea what to eat. I feel lost. Any good books to recommend? I have amazing willpower if I had a meal plan, but I get overwhelmed if I am told : reduce your starch and eat healthy fats,...and then have to go make a meal....

Huh? Sigh.

ChicagoSane said...

Funny, because I once almost had an article accepted by Vogue's publisher for a different magazine :)

As for exercise, there are some tricks I do to stay trim without working out. This won't work if you have kids easily, but it's fine if you're single.

I grocery shop a LITTLE every day or other day rather than all at once. I never use a shopping cart. I park as far from the front doors as possible. I walk to the store, grab a convenience basket, and do my shopping. I carry my bags out myself, equally loaded between my arms. I keep my elbows at 90 degrees and walk with the bags in front of me.

Mindful: I will start a mini-series on what to eat that helps with your metabolism and your blood sugar levels.