She's gained weight, lost her sexy?

Seems the 3 or so guys who read this site (tell your friends, boys) prefer to email me than leave comments. If you have a Blogger account and want to leave a comment without it pointing back to your Blogger account, just use the Anonymous feature or Name/URL. It works fine and you stay anonymous.

One regular reader emailed me yesterday regarding my post about keeping a woman's sex drive high by doing unsexy things. His email said:

I love my wife and want to have more sex, but she's gained weight. How do I keep thinking about her rather than other women?

Honesty is good and this is a problem a lot of men face, married or not.  As I've said in previous posts, the first thing to work hard to do is get rid of the porn.  Porn is a great part of my life, but I'm single.  When you don't have a woman's body to release into (or on, in my case), porn is a very distant second place.  If you do have a woman in your life, porn should hit the road.  Increasing your own sexual desire can have an effect on her, if you focus that desire properly.

But what do you do when your size 4 princess became a size 12 queen?  The first thing to do is look at your own body: did you gain weight, too?  The pot calling the kettle black is a problem we guys face that is hard to realize.  When I gained weight many years ago (in a long term relationship), I didn't even notice it until I hit 30# over my ideal weight.  It took seeing a photo of me to say "Wow, I'm fat!"  She had gained a lot of weight, too, but I didn't bring it up.  Instead, I curbed my starches and sugars, picked up a set of cheap weights at Target ($20 maybe), and spent 10 minutes a day on my upper body.  Not a lot of work, but enough to get some definition going under my layers of fat.

I burned off those 30# in about 12 weeks, and I added enough definition that she noticed.  She was touching me more, and whenever I was working with my shirt off, she noticed definition in my back.  Many women will find a man's back muscles more attractive than arm, pec, or ab muscles.  It's an odd internal glitch in our ladies.

Once you've tackled the porn situation and focused on your own weight gain, you can work on the next step: make her sexy in your mind.  Porn can be a great burden on finding real women attractive.  All models are airbrushed, even the so-called amateur teens (most likely 25 year olds with makeup and good lighting).  Once the porn is out of your system, how about using HER pictures for the times you're alone in the bathroom or the bedroom and need to take care of your own needs?  I'm not talking about raunchy photos or nudes, just photos of her when you found her most sexy: that smile, working in the garden, or the candid shots taken from when you were dating.  Even if she's gained 50#, she's still the same sexpot you knew years ago.  Use it to your advantage.

There's a funny side effect of using your own lady to jerk off to: if she catches you, she'll get really mad and then when she finds the source of your passion, she may be out of her clothes in 5 minutes flat.  That'll solve your problem then and there.

I still believe that masturbation when you're sexually frustrated in a relationship is a bad idea for men.  It does reduce our sex drive quite a bit.  Fighting the urges give you a little more drive to find a solution to your predicament.   So far, I have had 2 long term relationships where the sex drive dried up because we were both so busy.  I put that to an end by working discretely to find a way to make time.  The best thing I had ever done was remove the TV from the bedroom and living room.  Grab some books or magazines to replace it.

If you don't waste 3 hours a night watching Friends and Will & Grace re-runs, you might be surprised that both your bodies respond to the boredom with a desire for sex.  Instead of watching TV, grab those books or magazines.  Give her short glances and watch her read (it's very very sexy).  She'll catch you and might take the hint that you do find her sexy.  It might not be great sex (that's your doing, fellas), but it's sex.  Getting your foot in the door (or something else) is a good way to getting your future sex life comfortable.

Her weight gain should not be a problem for sex.  The biggest turn-off is not weight, but how she dresses and carries herself.  If you can approach her body, in clothes, without seeming horny or gross, she'll still melt for you.  Don't be afraid to hug her regularly in thanks.  Don't be afraid to take a photo of her today for your wallet and one for your desk at work.  If she complains about being overweight, tell her that she's lovely and you're just as into her now as you were then.  If you dumped the porn, started jerking to her photos, and are working on your own weight problem, you'll mean it.  She'll believe you.

Lastly, kiss her more in the morning before she's fully awake.  No, not tongue-down-the-throat kisses; just smooch her forehead (or her hair even), stroke her hair, run your fingernails on her shoulders and arms and hands.  Non-sexual touches for men can be discrete sexual advances in the woman's heart and loins.  Morning sex is always a fun side project, which can satisfy both of you for the turbulent day of responsibilities ahead.

Reminding her of her needs in the bedroom

This is part of an ongoing series on dating (even in marriage).

I was a little bit shocked a few weeks ago when I started to see more married women visiting this site, emailing me questions and sending me really positive criticism or even compliments. I don't write for you, I write for me, but I absolutely love the input. It helps me more than you can ever know.

When some people said they visited from another Momblog, I decided to take a look. As luck would have it, she had given me a link and a really nice run of compliments. I'd like to address some of that today.

She says,

But it also reminded me of a few things I had forgotten. Things about passion and lust and meeting needs and all of those things that we sort of check at the door when we start a family.

This is something that aggravates me about marriage lately: checking your needs at the door when it comes to raising kids.  Yes, kids are a handful.  Life is expensive; both time and money are needed in great quantity.  Responsibilities inside and out of the house are just overwhemling sometimes, and it leaves little time to dress sexy or even find the energy for sex once you both put your heads to the pillows.

That's all bullshit.  I'm sorry, but stop.  You're passing this on to your children, and it's going to make their lives WORSE than yours.  I'm not calling anyone out in particular but the men in the relationships.  Men, it is our duty to encourage a sex drive in the women we love, or at least the women we're with.

You don't encourage a sex drive by grabbing their tits and ass and saying "Wanna screw?"  You know when you do that?  When she's already crazy about you in bed.  And here's a little secret: no matter how tired and overworked a woman is, a positive sex drive can erase all of the frustration and tiredness.

Want to increase her sex drive?  Stop trying to be sexy.  Get rid of your porn, first.  I love porn, and use it when I really need fast release.  If I'm with a woman sexually and regularly, the porn hits the road.  "But I'm not getting laid!"  Of course not, all that incredible sexual tension you have could be shared with her, but you're leaving it on a Kleenex when no one is watching.  Stupid, stupid motherfucker (literally, in the case of you dads).

Want to increase her sex drive?  Do things without her knowing (other than masturbation, which you shold do with her knowing and her starting first).  Take the trash out BEFORE she asks, and don't even mention it.  Try to cheat on your porn and your sports games with household tasks.  I'm not kidding, you morons.  Women will catch you in the act eventually.  Don't be all cutesy and try to get her to notice, just do it.  Those socks on the floor?  Make them disappear forever.  Ram it into your thick skull that socks on the floor are things that 3 year olds do.  Go from foot to hamper.  Don't let her see you do it.

How about the crap in your office or studio that is everywhere? Organize it little by little.  Don't do it all at once, make it disappear in about 2 weeks.  Don't add more, and take away a little at a time.  The garage you've been promising to organize?  Clean that up too, chump, but do it slowly, so she doesn't notice all at once.

If a bulb is blown, replace it before she ever knows.  Imagine how less stressed your gorgeous wife (and maybe your kid's mom?) will be if she never sees a blown lightbulb.  You can go a step beyond this, too: pay the bills when you see the envelope open on the kitchen table.  Just sneak it out when she's not looking, put a check in the mail, and file it away wherever she files it away.  If she asks, just say you took care of it.  Don't say when, don't say why, don't say how.  Just do it.

When she's cooked you dinner and you've finished it, rather than hitting the living room, go and clean the dishes and pots and pans.  Then take out the trash immediately.  Do you know that garbage can be thrown out BEFORE the bag is full?  Try it, it's not against the law.

Ok, men, so now we've worked at reducing their stress level about 3%.  It's miraculous what it will do to her life.  She sleeps 6 hours a night, so 3% of 18 hours is about 30 minutes.  Guess what you can do in 30 minutes?  No, not yet, but it's a window of opportunity.  You've got a new step to take: touch her.

I don't mean tits and ass you celibate pervert, I mean touch her in a way that counts.  The next time she tries to fly past you in route to wipe up baby puke from a bib, stop in front of her and look at how beautiful she is.  Her eyes and her face, bubba.  If she gets mad, grab her hands, stare at that gorgeous face and smile.  Don't say a word.  "I love you" is a ridiculous thing for a man to say.  I only say it in response to the same.  Don't tell her she's beautiful, SHOW HER you think that.  If she hits you for blocking her vomit run, laugh.  When she walks past you, THEN check out her ass when she's not looking.

If you have to stare at your wife's body, do it in a way where she can catch you but it could be a mistake.  Act smitten (trust me, you'll become smitten doing this).  Peek at her through reflections in mirrors or windows.  Don't stare, just peak.  If she catches you, smile.  If she doesn't, look away fast.  Getting busted acting like a 15 year old with a crush can send those floodgates pumping.

A woman who has forgotten her sexuality gets there because her man is a boy, or maybe a eunuch.  You are probably one or the other.  Words don't work here.  Grabbing her inappropriately has the oppositive effect because she'll think "Great, this guy fucked me for all of 7 minutes, and now I have a kid because of it." Sorry, but quickies will get you babies.  Long, drawn-out, passionate lovemaking with days and days of build up and cute glances and lust in HER eyes will be something she equates with personal feminine release, not masculine release that ends up making her feel fat and want to suck on rocks from the garden for 9 months.

If you don't understand a word I'm saying, drop me an email with your address and your work hours.  I'll fix her for you.