Monday, June 8, 2009

On whiskey dick

After I wrote about how Little Fire Hydrant wasn't so happy with my visit with AFB#3 last week, I received TWO emails:

#1 Maybe you need viagra.


#2 I heard whiskey dick is a myth, maybe you weren't interested?

I'd like to address the issue of impotence today.

I had a bout of impotence twice in my life: one time with the woman who would bite me, tear my hair out, and beat the living shit out of me when I slept. For about 3 months afterwards, Little Fire Hydrant was a no-show, no-go. No morning wood, never friendly and happy when kissing a gorgeous gal, nothing. So I went to the doctor, who prescribed me a visit with a shrink, who talked to me for 3 days and said "Get over her. She was crazy. It wasn't you." Then I realized I was dating hot mamacitas, and it went away.

The second one had to do with chemicals, namely cigars. I love cigars, but I tend to inhale, A LOT. Because they're unfiltered and way heftier than a cigarette, I was overdosing on nicotine. Nicotine constricts blood vessels, especially down there. After a few cigars in a week, the proud soldier can't salute for a few days. My blood pressure skyrockets, too. So cigars are down to once a month, at most. I also talked to a doctor about this, and he confirmed the issue.

I've never understood the issue with guys talking about erection problems. Most guys don't know, but your first issues with it happen in your 20s, not in your 30s or 40s. I've talked to literally hundreds of men about it, and about 20% of guys start having waning sex drives starting around 28. It sucks for the guy, and it REALLY sucks for the woman, who feels unattractive because the guy can't get it up.

I call this Cosmic Karma. When the guys and gals are young, the gals are so uptight about sex that they can't get wet. The guys pay them back, in kind, a decade or so later. The woman is gushing more than a real fire hydrant, and the guy would rather read a magazine and go to sleep. I love the universe.

In my case, both bouts of no-go-bro were easy to fix, non-medically. I have yet to get an issue that would require real medical attention, short of whiskey dick.

Whiskey dick, as most people know, happens when men drink too much and can't get an erection. Here's the thing, though: whiskey dick happens for 2 different reasons in men. Some men (not me), get so drunk that they can't get an erection at all. Blood flow ceases. Other men (me) get so drunk that they can't FEEL anything. For years, I'd have sex drunk and would not orgasm. No feeling at all. Bang, bang, bang, bang, you done yet? Then roll over and disengage.

After getting bored with slamming for an hour, I realized I didn't like drunk sex, not at all. Once in a blue moon it's really hot and crazy (especially when she's swearing at me in the most vulgar way), but more often than not it's not satisfactory for me. So when I drink brown liquor, I know that sex will be bad. Hence, LFH decides to stay at bay rather than tease the woman to thinking I want to have good sex.

It's not clear liquors that affect me, it's ONLY brown ones: whiskey, scotch, beer, rum. Not tequila, either. I can't figure that one out, and neither can my doctors, but it happens.

I have a friend in his 60s who has the BEST sex life imaginable, thanks to Viagra (actually, Cialis). I told him I never tried it, so he flipped me a pill (Viagra at the time) and told me to take it 30-60 minutes before sex. I told my lover at the time, a gal who could come 5 times each at the 1/2 hour mark. I had no problem keeping it up for her, but when I'm really turned on (more than physically), I get a super cock. It's easily an inch longer and over an inch wider in circumference, and it looks mighty nice and happy.

So I told her about the pill, and she was revving to go. We restrained ourselves: no alcohol, no smoking for 3 days, no chemicals. Lots of walking, flirting, etc. 9pm came, I popped the pill, and 15 minutes later I had the erection of my life.

She took pictures, which I know she still has to this day. I was gigantic, for me. I never brag about my very average penis size, because it is just that, average (maybe a tiny bit shorter than average, tiny bit thicker than average). This was not my penis, this was GOD'S PENIS. I could have ripped through sheet metal, I think.

So we fucked. I pounded her for 3 hours, off and on. I came 3 times myself. It never went away. I tried to sleep, it didn't go away. She gave me head, tried to take it up her ass, we banged in positions I normally can't hit because I'm not 8" long. It was awesome.

But it wouldn't go away. After my 5th orgasm (mostly dry), I was HURTING. But it wouldn't go down. So I called my doctor's 24 hour help line, and the nurse said I had priapism and to monitor it for a few hours. If it was bad, GO TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM. Umm, hmm. Scary.

I didn't see blue (some guys do), I didn't lose my hearing (lots of guys do), but the little fucker wouldn't take a rest. So I sat there, trying to go to sleep. She was laughing, of course, and every so often throughout the night she'd get a condom on it and ride it some more. I have no idea how many orgasms she had, but at one point she was on top of me and I was reading a book. It was just there.

At the 5 hour mark, he went to sleep. Instantly. It was a HUGE relief, I was so happy I wanted to party. I decided then and there to never do that again unless I really needed it.

For me, I know I am medically-sound to fuck on command. I get great morning wood. I get wood when I makeout with a gal. But if I am drinking dark liquor, it's a no-go. If I smoke too many cigars, no-go. If I am stressed because I've traveled too much and had no down-time, no-go. I'm comfortable with it. It doesn't bother me, because I'm in my 30s, and it did this when I was 15.

Lately, I would say I have more worry, mostly because so many of my guy friends are dealing with relationship issues that are stemming from their impotence. I have friends who are 30 who can't get it up at all. They're masculine, sporty, attractive, physically fit. They don't drink much, don't smoke at all, and they have gorgeous girlfriends and wives. So far, I'm safe. I know my father still gets it up without assistance (we have a very open family relationship). I think I'm OK.

If the day comes that I need it, I'll be the first one to post about it. I've had medical issues in my life, and I'm never afraid to talk about it. Hopefully, I have many years ahead of me where Little Fire Hydrant will jump to attention the moment a pretty cute thang puts her tongue in my mouth, or elsewhere.

What do you women think when your guy can't get it up? Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol?


Joy @ Big Time Fancy said...

"God's penis" may be the best term I've heard in a long time.

ChicagoSane said...

I've had a few girlfriends and friends-with-benefits who are enamored with Little Fire Hydrant. He's VERY cute and photogenic, probably the only part of me that works well on camera :)

This gal took pictures regularly, to compare. And it really was GOD'S PENIS (note, it has to be all caps, preferably bold-faced).

I admit it bothers me that I can't get wood like this naturally. I had a hernia when I was younger, and I think it sort of restrict blood flow a little. I do know that the extra size makes a difference, and I would LOVE to do some research on how to get it there naturally.

Downside? Regular Trojans are already way too tight, so I think it would be more of a bummer than not. Grr.

Aritza, Goddess of .. said...

Hahaha, here I am, at work, reading about
Anyhow, I was curious about this super cock thing..I'm pretty sure Miguel get a super cock from time to time, or there's something wrong with my eyes, because suddenly I'm standing there it just me or did his dick get MUCH bigger (than the previous time) ?
It's always a HUGE turn on to see a super LFH come out to play !

Lara said...

Doesn't seem as though you really need the little blue pill!

So why do you not go out with girls who invite you to a group outing? Maybe they are interested but don't want to go all out and invite you on a date! Hey that's still traditionally the guy's remit.