Friday, June 12, 2009

Fighting over a woman's orgasm

Auto-Posted at noon since I am likely on a flight somewhere in South America.

I was chatting with someone last night who made the assumption that most women I've been with fake their first orgasm, or many of their initial orgasms, with me. Rather than battle with her over the specifics, I shrugged her off. There's no use in arguing with anyone who hasn't actually been in the bedroom (or the car, or the bathroom, or wherever it happens first). Myself included.

A woman's orgasm has NEVER been my goal in sex. My own orgasm isn't the goal, either. As I've reiterated time and time again, I want passionat people in my life, not sexual people necessarily. I can read a person's passion very quickly through body mannerisms and how they look at things. Most women have zero chance of getting into bed with me, they're cold and frigid and don't know what they're missing. No loss to either of us.

Sex is, for me, an awesome tool to display my passion for a woman. Sometimes that passion comes from having a really good date; other times that passion can come directly from our bodies' mutual needs for the other's. It can come from excitement over something fantastic that happened in our lives, it can come from something really sad. Passion is an odd thing, not really good and not really bad. I guess I could say soulfully-driven rather than passionate, both interchangable to some degree.

When a woman takes me to bed, and almost always it's that way and not the other way around, it very rarely is about sex. Clothes come off, bodies meld, mouths groan, fluids are thrown about, but it isn't the sex that drives us to want to be there. I love to fuck, sometimes hard and long and loudly, sure, but I prefer to try to increase the desire a woman has for me even more, and vice versa. Orgasm can be awesome, but increasing your desire is even better. I prefer to be a little frustrated, even, and want her more. I want her to want me more, too.

When it comes to my ministrations, most of my readers know my routine: tease, tease, tease. I want her getting my clothes off (the lovely, sexy lady in DC ripped my shirt off, not me). I want her touching my body. I want her kissing me deeper than I kiss her. I want her pulling, pushing, shoving, grinding. It's a sign of her passion, her desire. I don't want her laying there, frigid or bored.

The hotter both of us are, the better our orgasm will be, if we get there. In my history of lovers, I know of at least one who faked her first orgasm. It was obviously fake. I called her out on it laughingly, telling her she could do better. She caved and admitted she did it because she was nervous. I told her that nervousness, to me, means she wasn't ready and wanting it enough. She disagreed, but a few weeks later when we tried it again, the nervousness was gone and her orgasm was real. Then she agreed that I was right: it wasn't that she wasn't ready or wanting it, she just hadn't wanted it as badly as she did this night.

Her orgasms from that point forward were awesome, inspiring, passionate, and fun. If I was going down on her or I was banging away, she'd start them off by putting one hand out onto my abs or my hip, not pushing away, but not grabbing either. Sort of like a bumper for me to touch. Then her voice would get a little grunty. When she came, she'd kick her head back and then push off of me. Penetration for the next 5 minutes was unacceptable. She didn't even want me to touch her. I loved her orgasm, and we fucked even more because of it.

I can contrast that to the orgasm of some recent lovers who were less vocal and less physical. It doesn't bother me if a woman is quieter in her orgasm: some have years of experience living at home or with roommates and have gotten in the habit of forcing themselves to be quiet. Of course, this is a challenge, and when you can help a woman break that habit, their orgasms APPEAR to be louder and more physical, but they may not be better or worse.

Still, it isn't the orgasm I chase or covet. If she doesn't come, she doesn't come. I'm a great listener, and when we're done and out of the bedroom, I will often times ask if there is more I can do in general. Some women I've been with just didn't know their orgasms at all. Others were too sensitive, or not sensitive enough. Some preferred skipping foreplay and just banging hard for 45 minutes, others needed more touching than seemed possible, and light strokes that didn't go too deep. Each woman is different.

For the chatter who told me that most women don't orgasm from the first sexual experience with a guy, I'll disagree completely. I am friends with EVERY lover I've had save 3 (one being a recent one, mutually deciding to cut ties). They often still talk about how good I was with them, for them, on them, in them. It's not to stroke my ego (maybe to stroke theirs). Sometimes they ask me for advice on how they can get there with their boyfriends or husbands or lovers. Usually my answer is the same: build desire in yourself, in them. Tease more. Restrain yourselves more. Sex is too much fun to rush through it every time. Sex is too fun to forget to rush through it on occasion. Mix it up.

Never chase the orgasm. I won't come always from sex. I very rarely come from blowjobs, never from handjobs, never from ass fucking. It's just sex, as I said yesterday. When I fuck, when I make love, when I go down on a woman, it's just to shower her with my passion in hopes of stoking her own. The kissing, the touching, the foreplay, the sucking and fucking and unloading: it's all part of the sharing of our passions. If we both come, that's a bonus, but in reality, orgasm can be a let down if there's no more energy to play around some more.

And for me, the playing around before, during and after sex is far more important than the actual 2 minute orgasm you or I might have. Yes, I want to come. Yes, I want you to come. But more importantly, I want us to not get bored of our passion for each other, I don't want to lose it, waste it, derive sadness or frustration from it.

So if we fuck, let's fuck. Let's not chase the big O or the little O. I want you throbbing for me when you're not with me. I want you wet when you hear my voice on your voice mail. I want you aching for my touch, even if I am inches from you. I want you to want my body, my face, my hair, my hands. The cock and pussy are the least important things, and if they're used too fast or focused on too much, passion can disappear in a moment. That moment feels fucking awesome, but it still isn't enough, it isn't everything.

In my opinion, it's almost nothing.


Dani said...

I agree that coming is not everything when it comes to sex. I dated a guy whos main objective was to get me to come and come quick. It got old really fast, and there was no passion at all...

Teasing makes it so much better. I completely agree that it is so much better when you're longing for the other person, when you want it so bad and you need that person right then and there.

All day forplay makes it so much more fun too...notes, emails, texts...makes the anticpation grow.

Aritza, Goddess of .. said...

Totally agree with you on this one.
Taking your time to build up the passion is the best part. Teasing, pulling and pushing are awesome. The orgasm is but a mere complement to it all.