Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Gonads and Strife

So Sunday was a day of a plethora of women in sundresses. Cute ones, too. That's always an instant woody for your's truly because a woman's back and neck makes me crave the rest of her. Ack.

And yet, none of it really worked for me. I talked to a few cute gals, but most were WAY beneath my acceptable "I'll let you take me home" age. I'm a prude when I realize I was out of high school before they were born.

I ran into 4 ex-girlfriends (2 serious, 2 friends-with-benefits maybe) that day. 1 was looking outrageously gorgeous, but her fiancé was intimidatingly good looking. Score for her. One of them is still into me, but she's TOO into me. I don't resurrect exes if they were serious. The two FWBs were flirtatious, but I was not too interested in resurrecting those days. The earliest FWB dates back almost 16 years. WOW.

Here's an interesting tidbit: I have never once gotten blue balls. Blue balls are fake, and guys who complain about them are either (a) pushy about getting a girl to sleep with them, (b) not manly enough to go out and get some or (c) idiots. So if I don't get any, I just get a little pent-up frustration.

I started culling my list of friends who I contact to hang out with using a new process: if I don't hear from them in 3 months or so (meaning THEY CONTACT ME to hang out, on occasion), they're gone. I'll still hang out with them in the future on their request, but I'm done being the caller. In most of my friendship relationships, it's generally a pretty equal 50/50 on who calls whom. I figure I'll be in good shape by summer's end, "dumping" those who don't really add value to my life.

Then I started thinking about who I'd like to sleep with if they propositioned me. After an hour of thinking about it, I came up with 2 solid possibilities (sadly, neither have shown an ounce of interest in me), and 1 minor one (who does seem to like me but her head is up her ass as she dates any man that asks her out). So the options are surprisingly limited. The same time last year I was going out on 1-2 dates a week of various levels of desire. I was even busier last year, too. Hmm.

I got laid May 7th I believe (if my calendar is correct). My condom bin is at 21 (did I use 3 on May 7th?) and my overnight bag has a full 12. They expire long from now, so we're golden there. Spring is withering away in Chicago, with a cold blast last night. This means the hot summer is around the corner, and who wants to bump uglies when it's 97 degrees outside and the A/C is cranked but barely working?

I have a ton of travel coming up, a ridiculous amount. I don't screw around on vacation, ever. Even if I am stationed in a top secret city for 3 months, I withdraw from playing the field. The only time I hook up with someone in a foreign land is if I get to know them, and then see them again on a future visit. Since I will be in 16 cities between now and year's end, I am doubtful of that happening.

In terms of foreign relations, there is definitely one incredibly lovely and crazy-sexy lady who is going to get slammed six-ways-from-heaven. I know it, she knows it, but we're both ridiculously busy. The next time I see her, she's going to have trouble walking for a week. I should let her read this as a warning to go horseback riding for a month in preparation. Long distance sex is amazing because you can build up the foreplay weeks in advance, while still being a consummate gentleman in person. I think I already warned her to get a ton of splooge towels and a huge waste bin for the number of condoms that will pile up daily. Lucky, lucky lady.

I wonder what lies ahead. Of the 2 gals I would definitely bend over their washroom vanity, I doubt either will look my way with anything more than "aww, nice guy" eyes. I even bet my gay friend that it won't happen (he's not met either, but he pretty much agrees with me in this case). The one gal who is interested would fall for me in 3 seconds flat, so I have to tread carefully there. When we hang out, it's always in a crowd, and she always manages to pick up a guy with my help.

In her case, I do something great: I go up to the guy she likes in a bar or wherever, talk to him. Then I say "Oh shit, your girlfriend is getting jealous I'm talking to you." If he says he has no girlfriend, I point to my friend and say "She's been checking you out all night. You should go talk to her immediately." Never fails. I am the best wingman ever.

I guess what I need latey is a wingman (wingwoman). The gay guys are NO help, they're too gorgeous and get all the attention. I prefer not to let women pick me up in bars (I go to bars to drink and have fun, not get laid). I'm meeting the bike shop gal tonight, but I'm already sort of bored with her. She emailed me (looked up my email via Mr. Google) and her emails are dreadfully boring. Ugh. FAIL. failFAILfail. Please, ladies, if I ever ask you out, keep online conversations short and sweet. Let's save it for the date.

So here's the plan. You're reading this. You will be my wingman. We will have a righteous good time. I don't care where you live, I travel for a living. Let's make a plan and let's get this sane blogger some face time with a lovely lady. If not, I'll still find you a cute guy, so it's win for you, and possibly win for me.

At the very least, my foreign lover of choice will get ridiculously jealous and horny when I tell her about the dates. And that, as I know, is catnip one can't refuse to grow.



MindfulMama said...

That was pretty funny. I would be happy to be your wingwoman, but I would attract women with 4 kids who like my purse because it can hold so many toys and snacks. Maybe not what you were looking for...

Thanks for the laughs though.

Hope Is My Middle Name said...

This may be premature (coming from a woman who hasn't gotten to first base with a buy in almost a year of first dates - and one second date that went nowhere) but how long do you have to use condoms once you become exclusive with someone?
And, any man who won't put on a condom is not someone I want to have sex with, right?
Unfortunately, in my targeted age group, I'm expecting to hear the excuse 'I can't keep my erection up if i wear a condom,' so what's a good answer for that line?

Andy said...

In my opinion, wingwomen are better. Why? Because it's easier to approach other women.

You make small talk about how hot the bartender is, about what's her favorite drink, if she heard the latest news on some celebrity, etc. Then you ask her if she wants to come and sit down with your group of friends for a while and tadaa "[Girl name], this is Mr. Sane".

Andy's an expert. You should call her/visit her in Lyon so she can get you lots of hot French women.

Tessa said...

Best blog post title evah.