Friday, June 26, 2009

A Man's Intimate Needs

Auto-posted at 1:00pm because I am on a return flight to Chicago today from Europe.

I had a bizarre discussion with a blogger recently regarding men in bed. She complained about how bad her recent lovers were, and wondered what she was doing wrong.

I've heard this before, and most of the time the answer is the same: you're a bad lover. No, no, not he's a bad lover, YOU'RE a bad lover.

I always laugh inside a little when I hear the trite complaints of a typical woman: "He needs to give me more attention" or "He moves too quickly" or the like. Guess what, women: you're the problem, not him.

A woman who is frigid in bed is going to have a guy who moves too fast. Why? Because he's the only one moving. It's plain as day, I've been with women like you. I get bored. Usually I'd rather go to sleep than even THINK of having sex.

If a guy is moving too fast, check yourself. Are you teasing him back? If he's going for the nipple, how about flipping him over and giving him a back rub, or roll him onto his back, straddle him, grab his face and kiss him for awhile? No, you're not "teaching him" anything new, you're just putting in as much work as he does.

Then there are the guys who orgasm too fast. Yes, I know there are actually men who have this problem for real, but in most situations that I've talked to, the guy is just trying to get there because the woman is showing no sign of pleasure. How about letting out a moan or even a little dirty talk? Be vocal, be physical, show him that you're having fun. When I see that a woman is actually having a good time when I'm pounding away, I last even longer.

I generally don't have a problem with stamina, but if the woman acts bored, then I'm bored, too. Let's just get it over with and skip sex in the future. What's with being all quiet and ladylike in bed? WE'RE FUCKING, so fuck me back.

Then you have the guy who is just BAD at sex: he pounds too hard on the clit, his legs shimmy like a jackrabbit when he's thrusting, etc. This is an easy solution, too: BE VOCAL. Asking him to slow down or go lighter actually works. You're not teaching him something he needs to know, you're letting him know that your body is different than past lovers.

I've been with lovers who can't orgasm unless I'm biting a nipple practically to the point of blood. I've been with lovers who can't have clitoral stimulation until 30 seconds before they're ready to pop. Each woman is different, and it is not the guy's job to figure out how they're different. If a woman wants good sex, she better be ready to explain her physical needs and issues as they arise.

It won't spoil the fun, it makes it better.

So there you have it: a man has intimate needs, too, but we're more vocal and aggressive about moving in the direction of orgasm. Women who lay there, silent, and don't vocalize what they're liking and not liking are frigid boring lovers. I sure as hell don't want her. Most guys won't either, and they'll hit the road as soon as the next lovely lady comes around who seems a bit more passionate about life.

Just because you're hot, have nice boobs, and think your pussy is heaven-sent doesn't mean that you're good in bed. From my experiences in my 20+ years of dating, I would say that half the women I've been with have been TERRIBLE lovers at first and needed their asses slapper (regularly) to get them into shape.

Open your mouth for more than our cocks and you might be surprised at how much better that guy you think is boring Mr. 5 Minutes becomes.


Cande said...

HA! fantastic. Too true!

Thalia said...

When I first starting reading this, I thought I was going to be offended, but I realized that you are right. It is no ones fault but your own if you don't communicate your needs and if you just lie there like a dead fish.

Men that truly suck in bed are the ones that don't LISTEN when we talk, pay attention to how me move, and stay in that same old rut that may have worked on the last chick, but won't work on me.