Saturday, April 25, 2009

The downfalls of "dating"

Over at another blog I follow (I don't know this person, and they surely haven't approved or disproved of the contents of this blog or this particular post), The Writings of Madame Yu See, the writer speaks of their recent dating experience.

They said:

He asked me a few questions, I asked him a few questions. Yada, yada, yada, 45 minutes later he announced that he had to leave. "You have a date tonight, don't you?" I asked. He was a little evasive, but quickly admitted that he did have a date tonight.

I don't think he was one of the hot young guys when he was in high school, I think he wanted to meet me just so he could truthfully say to himself (and to whomever else he talked with about such things) that on Saturday, April 25, 2009, at the age of 62, probably for the first time in his life, he had dates with two real live women on the same day.

I'm assuming the author of that blog is probably in her (?) 40s or 50s, but who really knows. Being in my 30s, I've given up dating for awhile mostly because of the lack of interesting women that have a similar trajectory in life. I can understand what Madame Yu See sees frustrating in dating, especially in that chapter of life because I feel a certain difficulty with people in my arguably-a-touch-younger generation.

To me, women in my dating market (let's say 24 to 44) don't date competitively. Do you stick to ONLY one grocery store or ONLY one mega-shop (Target/Walmart, etc) before you select your favorite, or do you try a few differet ones? I feel the same way about dating.

Sadly, people my age tie dating to sex too often, and too quickly. I don't have sex with girls I date unless it is going to get serious. Then, if I do sleep with them, it better be serious and monogamous. During the dating process, I'll actively date many women. Why? Because I don't want to make the mistake of falling into a codependent relationship just because there's a girl in front of me who likes me.

When you have 2 or 3 choices of people to date, you give yourself a nice relief-valve. The minute that a woman I date does something psychotic or insane, I dump them. It's usually 2 dates.

I'm not a harsh critique, my definition of insanity really IS insanity (read: adding your entire family from Facebook within 2 dates). That's no good.

As I said before, I also don't sleep with people I date unless it's been awhile. 3 months or 6 months at the minimum, and few make it that far.

Some who read this blog on occasion know I can be pretty graphic about sex, but I like sex. I don't need it daily, weekly or even yearly, but I like it when I can get it. If I am not dating, I see nothing wrong with casual, safe sex. Not with hundreds of women a lifetime, but one or two a year is fine. Even 3 or 4 is possible. I don't do one-night-stands, generally (Celine and Liz were both rarities, and Liz has emailed me about hooking up again if I'm interested).

For now, I won't date. I don't have the patience at this point in my life. I'm busy. I like being single with my tiny abode and my low cost of living. That doesn't mean I'm keeping it in my pants, but I'm not actively looking for sex, either.

When it comes time to date -- or to fuck -- I'll look at ALL my options and not keep it to 1 woman. It's mutually safer for both of us, all of us, and it keeps things interesting, competitive, and raises the desire level of the others for sure.

If you're dating, and your date obviously has another date after you, why aren't you doing the same?


My Other Blog said...

Sure, you can make me a link & I'll make you a link on my blog. Well be fuck (whoops) LINK buddies.
'Dating competitively,' now that's a term I haven't heard before. Let's just say that at my age - you're so kind to imply I may still be in my 40s - it's not the competition, it's the limited selection that's the killer!

ChicagoSane said...

Maybe that's true, regarding the limited selection. I'm not sure.

First, regardless of your age, why limit things to your age group? I dated a woman in her early 50s 2 years ago. Only 3 dates. Had a lot in common, but the age difference meant dating wasn't going anywhere. So we broke it off, then just slept together after a few months, for a few months, while she dated around with different guys.

The sex was fantastic (and I helped her lose 25lbs and hip up her look and outfits). She's met a great guy (in his mid-40s).

I know a guy who is 45 dating a 59 year old, seriously, too. He has 2 kids, so that's not his goal. Most women in their 20s and 30s are ugly on the inside (my opinion) or used goods (emotionally). When I meet women in their 40s, there's no pretense about either of us being perfect. Honestly, a woman in her 40s will know right away, it seems, if we have enough in common to see out something to share. Maybe we'll be drink buddies, travel companions, sleep together on lonely, cold November Sundays, who knows?

Yes, I admit I prefer the bodies of 20-somethings, but that's more to look than to have sex with. In my opinion, most girls in their 20s have no clue about sex. I give them something amazing, and they confuse it with love. Or they think sex is something to toss around. No thanks.

If I met a woman of any age that I honestly can share some hours a week with in whatever meets both of our needs, her age means little. If I'm 60 and single, I hope things don't change just because of my age.

Terror said...

Trajectory, guilty as assumed. I do only patron one bodega for produce, one market for meat, one mega-store for low-carb. Maybe I see sex as specialized guild? Like, the same duder who whispers dystopic literary references can't possibly be the same guy who fucks me blue?

ChicagoSane said...


So you're actively and monogamously with one bodega, one mega-store and one low-carb store (by the way, I'm a low-carber, so I'd love to know what you found there!). How many did you have to visit before you settled on the ones in your life?

They're not forever, though. Not yet. I did the marriage thing and boy was I wrong to do it. Before we hitched, I also only dated her (alas, I found out later that she never only dated me).

Now that I'm single again and have been for a relatively long while (almost a decade), I'm happy to have options.

That isn't to say that I wouldn't settle down again, but after the failed marriage (my first real serious relationship, really), and a few failed long term relationships, I'm much more picky about who I settle for, if that's the right word.

I also know MY downfalls, many as they are. If someone starts getting too serious, I'll be the first one to point out where I think there might be problems.

I dated Kari semi-seriously last year, and it was pretty good. I know I should write about why that ended, and will soon. Kari was great in many ways, but my own downfalls is what confirmed that we were not meant to be. She had needs that I could never fulfill, and I am glad we both made the decision to break free before we became too entangled.