Wednesday, April 29, 2009

A defense of sugar-daddyism

In yesterday's post, reader "sienna*star" made a comment about something I wrote about: sugar-daddyism.  I mentioned how I had my last sugar baby type relationship years ago, and how I generally used windfalls to take care of a cute young thing in a purposeless way.  Other than sienna*star's comment I also received two emails (one condemning the idea and one who I think was pitching for the position, heh).

I defend the idea of sugar-daddyism, especially to my wealthy collegues and poor young galpals.  Whenever I've brought it up (especially in reference to my last relationship that involced the idea), I always get shunned by feminists (both male and female) that equate it to prostitution.  That idea is so far from the truth that it's almost science fiction: sponsorship isn't about sex or love.

I picked up the idea of sponsorship when I spent a summer in Europe 15 years ago.  It was quite normal for a college-aged gal to have a slightly older sponsor who took care of her costs while she took care of his entertainment needs.  Every girl I talked to about it didn't think twice about the relationship.  Over half didn't sleep with their sponsors.  The point of the relationship was an exchange of money and time.  Wealthy young businessmen (almost all in their 30s, a few in their 40s) didn't have time to date, but had the need to have a companion to social events or even just a night on the town.  Women who want to date seriously can be a big vacuum of one's time and energy.  Not everyone has time for that.

What does a sponsored girl get?  Basically, she gets help with life's costs; sometimes educational costs, sometimes the cost living, sometimes its for socializing and clothes.  What does a sponsor get?  Unencumbered companionship at a limited level.

The first gal I sponsored was 22 when I was 24.  She was from Europe and introduced me to the idea over drinks one night.  Up to that day, I never touched her, she was just a beerpal who I hung out with a few nights a month.  She was going back to school to get into pre-med but couldn't afford to do it, so she pitched the idea to me.  She needed about $1000 a month extra beyond her part-time job for rent and food and other expenses.  In exchange, she'd basically take care of things for me one day a week.

It was awesome in the beginning; she took care of all my bills, did some minor cleaning and cooking at my place, even drove me around on errands when I was too busy to command the wheel.  It was always 1 day a week, and on some rare busy weeks it'd be 2 days.  She loved helping me, and I loved her company when I needed a girl on my arm for a business event or a social situation (weddings, funerals, etc).

6 months into the relationship, she slept with me.  I never one propositioned her, pitched the idea, or even showed any amount of interest.  She admitted that my lifestyle was very sexy and attractive, and her busy schedule gave her no time for a boyfriend.  At best, she'd get to hookup with a coed and it would usually be a one night stand or maybe two.  She didn't like all the work involved in the hookup situation, plus not knowing what heebie-jeebies the coed guys might have had.  She seduced me over a bottle or two of wine, and the next morning when she was leaving she said "Any time you need me this way, I am here for you."  It was never money-for-sex, it was money-for-help and the sex was optional, on the side, and exclusive of the help she was giving me and me her.

When she finally graduated after a year, we ended the sponsorship arrangement but slept together regularly for another 2 years when she was in town visiting family and friends.  I'd almost say that the after-sponsorship sex was closer to prostitution since I was getting sex for letting her use my extra bed (or my bed) when she visited Chicago.

My second sponsorship was a few years later, when I turned 28.  I met a 24 year old at a Starbucks and got her number.  After 2 dates, it was obvious both of us were too busy to casually date.  We still talked via email every week or two, and when she told me she was looking for a job, I pitched her the idea of sponsorship.  She was turned off at first, stating "I'm not a whore." I immediately told her about my previous relationship, and even offered her the email address of my first sponsored gal.  They never spoke, but she contacted me a few weeks later and said she was interested "as long as it wasn't sexual in nature."

8 weeks into helping me, she seduced me (again, I never prodded or even showed any interest).  She came to help me 2 days every other week, but would often call me on off-weeks for a late night booty call.  She had a boyfriend through the entire time, but he was so busy with his crappy job and crazy family that they never had any regular sex, plus he was like a potato in the sack.  Again, the sex had nothing to do with the aid I was giving her to overcome her college debt.  Her boyfriend never once asked her about me, and for all I know he didn't know I existed.  I still speak with her monthly, and her life is 50 times better (her words) because she paid off her debt and even found a job using my assistance.  Our relationship lasted a little over a year.  The last time we slept together was 2 years ago just before her engagement ("last fling" and she called it).  That was a weekend of sex in Vegas when she went with her girlfriends; I don't think she left my bed for more than 15 minutes the entire 2 days and 2 nights.

The final sponsorship relationship I had involved a 23 year old who was vying to climb the corporate ladder in the entertainment field.  Her and I were friends (I dated her older sister when I was 19) and she overheard from a mutual friend of ours about how I used to sponsor 2 gals.  She asked me about it, intrigued.  "So we'll fuck?" she asked me.  I told her, no, that's not the deal at all.  "Can we fuck?"  I told her that sex is outside of any mutually-beneficial relationship.  She needed me to help her pay for nice clothes and gear to show-off to those in her field.  We went once a month to Nordstrom or Bloomingdales or a boutique store and bought her outfits, handbags, shoes, makeup, whatever.  It worked in less than 6 months with her moving 3 positions up in a short period of time by wowing customers and management alike.

We had sex maybe twice in those 6 months, both times with her practically begging for it.  After the financial support and her assisting support stopped, we had a more regular sexual relationship up until the time that she decided bisexuality wasn't for her because she fell in love with a nice older woman.  Even when they started dating seriously, we still had infrequent sex whenever I was in San Diego (where her and her girlfriend moved).  That sex was approved by her girlfriend, who understood the need for Professor Penis in this girl's life.  As far as I know, they consider themselves married (they're both on my Facebook).

So that's the situation; sponsorship is not prostitution, it's not money-for-sex, and it has almost nothing to do with sex.  I am more likely to sleep with a friend when we both need it than I am to sleep with some I help out with.  Sadly, as women get more "independent" and less reliant on all the options available to them, the opportunity to find someone has diminished.  Also, the Internet has done a terrible job of properly defining this relationship.  There are dozens of websites for money-for-sex relationships, which to me are the equivalent of prostitution.  I'm not against prostitution, I just don't pay for sex myself.


♥ Tiffany ♥ said...

sigh. find me a sugar daddy in chicago?

ChicagoSane said...

Hah! They're out there. Finding them is probably difficult if you don't have a friend who is aware of what they're looking for.

Sadly, more guys today equate the idea with sex, which is something I abhor. A few friends of mine (gal pals) who have seemed interested in the idea didn't really push hard enough for me to actively find the good variety of sugardaddies (sponsors).

Then again, won't you be emigrating to Israel soon? :)

malaika said...

It's something I would love to do. I'm a student in Kenya. I'd love to meet someone who can show me his world teach me about the finer thins in life. It's obvious the rich always inhabit a far more varied and interesting life. I'd like to travel, learn to cook different cuisine, discover new artists, learn about wines, jewellery, try extreme sports. Ththere are lots of sugar daddies but for them it's all about the sex. If there is money it's often too little to do anything and mainly to keep you hanging on. I'm interested in business in entrepreneurship so someone who can show me the workings of the inner circle is heaven. I know what I want... I just don't know where I'll find him. Any chance you could move this way?