Wednesday, April 22, 2009

The dreaded phone call about booty, but not mine

Woke up early today to get to work on a new idea. 5am rising isn't that bad; in fact it makes me more productive.

Finished work by 11am, and decided to hop onto Google Mail to see what I've missed lately. When I'm away, I tend not to read certain email addresses.

As soon as I finished replying to about 3 dozen emails, up pops a chat window. It's Jenna, my most serious ex, the "one that got away." I had broken up with her 7 years ago, mostly because she wanted marriage, kids, a house in the burbs and a 401K. I didn't think I was ready, and looking back I probably wasn't. She's had a few long term relationships, but the most recent boyfriend (now living with her) looks like a keeper.

We chatted for 10 minutes, nothing of importance. Then she hits me with it: "So how do you know how to handle every woman so well in bed?" Oh oh.

Jenna was a great girl, albeit lost and confused when I met her at the difficult age of 21. She'd been around the block, but never really had a passionate lover. She liked the rock stars, the artists, the broke-as-a-joke-mommy-pay-my-rent types. Of course they were terrible lays.

We started off as fuck buddies almost right away. Our first time together was amazing for both of us, one of those all-night romps that is hard to forget. That was almost 10 years ago, but I still remember her clothes, her perfume, her hair, and the room.

We were great as lovers, terrible as significant others. She had a wandering eye, which caused some grief because she wasn't honest about it. As I've said before, I prefer a "girlfriend" who has a serious boyfriend. He'll be stability, I'll be adventure and passion and fun. She dumped her serious boyfriend after 6 months of drinking with, traveling with and fucking me.

We tried to stay together for 3 years, but she wasn't honest. She slept around on the side but didn't say she did. I always wore a condom, but I hated thinking about what she might get if she wasn't safe. I'm a safety freak, taking myself to the health clinic annually for a full checkup. She's never been.

So now she's with Mr. Almost Perfect. I say almost perfect because she told me why: "He has no lovemaking skills." Most guys don't. They fake it the first few times, but once they have a woman, it's wham-bam-let-me-watch-the-game. I told her this.

She mentioned he was always bad: 5 minutes of pleasure (for him) and then he's sleeping. Ugh. So here goes the most uncomfortable "booty" call I've had in years. I explained to Jenna that I'm not a good lover, I'm attentive in bed. There's a HUGE difference. I've said it in previous entries here: I don't touch a woman's tits or clit or ass. I go for the areas that are usually avoided, and I barely touch them, waiting to see a response.

When the good goose bumps come up (and they almost always do), I make sure I back off the pressure even more. A man has no reason to touch a woman; he should let his hands be close, and if she wants the touch enough, her body will respond and come closer.

Everyone woman should shudder openly at least once before I'll move forward with anything else. Most guys think a bite on the nipple and a jackhammer-from-hell on the clit is all it takes.

Growing up feeing ugly, I found it important to talk to my female friends about sexuality. I realized after my first few experiences that women are just as lost about fucking as guys are. It doesn't take much to make a woman scream and cry out and talk filthy: you just have to make them incredibly comfortable and open to anything.

Some of my female friends (just friends) ask me about their sex problems all the time: "He wants to fuck me in the ass" or "he wants to come on my face all the time." Well, I've done both, and I've never met a woman yet who won't beg for either. This even covers girls who have openly said "That's gross, I'd never do it." When a woman is comfortable in bed, her sex-mania appears, and all is desired. I dared a just-friend girl or two in my life that I could get them loving whatever it is they hated with their boyfriends, and within 2 nights of sleeping with me they were there. Nothing is taboo.

So Jenna is listening to (or reading?) my chats intently as I explain to her that a woman has to be verbal in bed to get what she wants. I don't mean pleading or begging, I mean work it up verbally in a way that turns on the man more. If you have to talk dirty to get him to go down on you, do it. If you have to tease, do it. Men just don't know.

Jenna then told me that I'm still the best lover she ever had (oh oh) and that she still misses my touches and my caresses and my pure evil mouth. There's nothing I won't say to a woman to make her feel in control or make her feel completely controlled. It heightens the experience, which heightens the desire, which causes explosive orgasms. Don't ever tell me you can't have an orgasm or multiple orgasms, it's just that you move too fast and don't let your mind build up the desire for more, more, more.

Jenna wanted to try lingerie (fail) or porn (fail) or romantic dinners (fail). Those don't work for long, and they're hard work. I may talk the talk here, but my sex count isn't as high as you'd think. Still, I once fucked the brains out of a girl I had met just 45 minutes earlier (at a grocery store, no less) and that girl STILL emails me 12 years later. We banged 4 times over 2 weeks before she went back to school, and she's still wrapped up at what I gave her and what she gave herself.

So if your guy isn't knocking your boots properly, try to get him to do what you want by opening your mouth in bed and telling him exactly what you want. Don't be nice or coy, say it in the filthiest way possible (if he prefers control), or the harshest way possible (if he prefers to be controlled). It will work.

And if he wants to stick it in your ass or come on your face, beg for it, but only after he's done EVERYTHING you want him to do. None of that stuff is revolting or gross or disgusting: it's just part of what he wants, and if you realize how much fun it is, he will realize how much fun he can have giving you what you want.

And if it doesn't work, dump his ass. Or find a guy on the sly that you can visit on those cold and lonely nights when your guy is too busy or too tired to bring you to where you need to be.


Terror said...

Re: I was kind of hoping a carbon monoxide leak would take them all out.

Scary to know there's someone on the West side who documents his Craigslist sexploits with greater tenacity. Be well. I guess.

ChicagoSane said...

Most gals I've met on CL are just pals, not sexploits.

Never once in my life have I begged for, or evven asked for sex. I prefer to move slow when I lead, but I have yet to find a woman who prefers it that way.

miss-b. said...

"Most guys think a bite on the nipple and a jackhammer-from-hell on the clit is all it takes."

"It doesn't take much to make a woman scream and cry out and talk filthy: you just have to make them incredibly comfortable and open to anything."


the only this i disagree with is having to tell your partner what you want. i've always been more of a "if he doesn't get it right, the first time, he's gone" type of person. maybe that's something i should work on.

miss-b. said...

the only thing is-