Dealing with the girl who is frustrated with the early hookup pursuit

I wasn't going to post again today (have to bake a cake, actually), but I read a blog update on one I follow.  The Fabulous Miss B writes in an article titled courtship about her pains and frustrations over guys who call a new girl they're dating over for a booty call.

I've never done it, even with a girl that I'd label a fuck buddy.  As I said in today's post, always offer a woman's two choices, but don't force a choice down her throat.  Calling (or even worse, texting or emailing) a girl to come over for a booty call is not offering a choice, so it's a failure no matter what.  I don't care how much you think you girl thinks its hot or sexy, don't do it.

When you have a fuck buddy, or a girl who wants to have sex, and you're interested in finding out if she's in the mood, your best bet is to offer her two contradicting options.  Call her up (on the phone), but don't make chit chat.  Do it when you are truly busy (she'll know, and you can't fake it), and tell her you want to see her and give her two options for next week.  If it's Thursday, say "Hey, Miss B, how about we get together either Tuesday or Thursday next week?  I'm ready to get together with you again."  If she wants your butt in her sheets, she'll counter with "How about tonight?"  If she doesn't, there's no chance, except if she's got problems and you force the issue.  Bad, bad idea.

If you meet a new girl, and she's into you like that, the invitation to come over will happen.  If she wants a hookup late at night, she'll contact you.

Miss B makes a good point: the kind of girl that one-night-standard predators go for are not most women.  If you're that kind of guy, stick to the late night 4am bars like Estelle's in Chicago.  It's a guaranteed lay any night of the week after 3am, usually.  If you're not that kind of guy and you're just horny, you're still better off with a random barskeeze than a nice girl.

Where things differ between Miss B and I is that every girl I've ever had sex with on a first or second date is NEVER a barskeeze, a slut or easy.  I've never once pushed, pursued or teased a girl into putting out that fast.  Since I'm friends with every one of my ex-lovers, I know fully that they're not the hook-up masters some ended up being with me for whatever reason.  Maybe I made them really comfortable, maybe I showed them a ridiculously fun time, maybe they just needed to get laid and I was obviously not out to hurt them.

If I do meet a girl, and it's obvious she's out for the hookup before I even get to know her, she's out.  I don't need sex addicts in my life (or any addicts, thankyouverymuch).

So, good gentlemen, stop trying to pursue a one-night-stand with the good ones.  You're ruining it for the rest of us.  If you're a one-night-stand seeker/predator, keep it in the bars, or on Craigslist in the correct section. 

Treat her like a princess, until...

I like to search the blogosphere daily for news updates, differing opinions, and people in similar moods as I am.  It's quite simple: I go to http://blogsearch.google.com and type in my mood and location.  It's amazing what comes up.  Sadly, it seems that women blog more in Chicago than guys do, so if I type chicago horny or logan square hungry into the blog search, it'll be 70% gals to 30% guys.  Guys need to write more, and about more than sports.

Yesterday I went to a little hang out with friends in Roger's Park.  We grilled and cook indoors, smoked cigars, had a good time.  About 15 people, most of which I never met before.  Ages 22 through 38, most 25-28.  8 guys, 7 gals.  Good balance of everything.

I was talking to a bright new graduate doll about my relationship with the party host.  The party host overheard me and walked up and said "ChicagoSane is the definition of a gentleman.  He treated me like a princess always."  The gal I was talking to looked sad from that, then said "I wish most guys were like that."  Not liking where this was going, I let her know something important: a woman can only be a princess once.  Once she loses that luster, it's gone.  My mind can convert a princess to a frogette in 3 seconds.  Not over a vulgar mouth (princesses swear), not over her clothes or her makeup, and surely not over something like sex or promiscuity.  Princesses lose their shine when they act like bitches.

On another blog I found who-knows-when, a 21-year old Chicagoan gal has some complaints that I hear often.  She says:

I am so much more than a sexual object, and Ross pointed out best to me that I don't give guys a chance to get to know me in any other context because I am either at work or in the library.  So it is either a guy using me for my brain/tutoring skills or having a guy see me only as a sexual object. 

That's a common mistake made, especially by the young but even by the old.  Either you're a stodgy workmate, or you're a Friday night booty call.  So untrue.  Some of my best friends today were short-term lovers.  But that mix of relationship status is where most go wrong: people want relationships defined, and they want them defined NOW.  There is no answer to the complexity of your relationship status when OTHER relationships you have take priority.  Like work or school.

Why does everyone who is SO DAMNED BUSY with their life think they also need to be so damn busy with a boyfriend or girlfriend?  When I work hard, I'll date a lot.  I've said it before, though: dating many people is not about fucking many people.  If I'm having sex, it's with one person until we're done with each other.  It could be a monogamous girlfried, or a short-term lover.  By doing this, I don't get captured by too many responsibilities that need my full attention.

When I date, I'm a natural gentleman.  I don't play passive-aggressive games or mindgames, but I do play the role a man should: I present options, and let the ladies choose.  Most women are girls when it comes to dating, and they usually bore me but often disgust me.  It's too bad, because I've dated once or twice a lot of fine women who would be wonderful girlfriends if they'd just grow up and stop playing these stupid "I need a prince" games.  You want a prince?  Act like a god damned princess.

You want me to focus on you?  Focus on me.  If I'm not getting tons of signs that you like me, and you like me a LOT, you're hitting the road.  Touch me, smile at me, lock eyes with me.  If those three things don't happen on date #1, you're out.  Bye-bye birdie, I have no time for "Well, maybe I like him but I don't know."  Princesses are in control of what they want.  They're not wishy-washy.

If I'm casually dating you, understand that I'm casually dating others.  Do the same!  This way, neither of us will make a mistake (fucking when we really didn't want to, getting codependent, bad crushes, etc) because our eyes will be open to possibilities.  When there is only one store within 100 miles of your house, you're trapped with their prices and quality.  When there are 10 stores, you can squeeze the fruit, compare prices, and make a choice as to where to buy from.

Don't like something about me?  That's fine: don't try to change it.  You can criticize it, but if you date a bunch of guys, you'll quickly see which guys are worth your time and which aren't.  If you only make time for ONE guy initially, you may end up throwing too much time away.

And stop thinking about sex as something you should only do with a serious committed boyfriend.  What a bunch of rubbish that 20-somethings believe.  So many people want to say that you're either a prude or a whore and there's no middle ground.  Wrong.  Sex can be just a physical need (so go out there and get some) or it can be passionate lovemaking.  It can be something you do with a friend because you both need it, or something anonymous and random.  Yes, if you're hooking up with a new person every weekend (or more often), it's whorish.  But having sex with someone different every 2-6 months is not a big deal.  I'll eat at McDonald's every few months because I need food, it's convenient, and it isn't a lot of work.  Lately I've wanted to get laid, and I'm taking the steps necessary to try to find someone I find attractive so I can get laid (and maybe find a fun friend or galpal or fuck buddy or sugar baby in the process).

More on being a princess later...