Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Men and Women Can't Be _________

1. Friends
2. Business Partners
3. Platonic Roommates
4. Married

 I've tried all 4 of these, and I was unsuccessful. Living with women creeps me out because it shows you how messy and lazy a beautiful and successful woman can be. And, it always ends up with sex. Except for the last one, that is.

Going from the bottom to the top:

Marriage ruins both sex and relationships. I know plenty of readers in the past were stay-at-home moms, and just chatting them up lead me to confirm that marriage is only good for one thing: giving women an acceptable provider after they've hit the Wall or feel like they're approaching it. My own marriage because exactly that within 6 months of putting the ring on her finger: we went from shuttling around the world regularly, rubbing elbows with the infamous, to having a beautiful Victorian home, expensive kept yard and plenty of married couple cocktail parties, but absolutely no sex or the drive that we used to have. Boredom crept in practically overnight, and the woman who was my best friend and solid top plate became a woman I hate and still to this day won't answer calls from.

Living together as platonic roommates is one step better than marriage.  That means it's almost as bad.  I've done it 3 times with women that started off (and were supposed to stay) just platonic roommates. In one situation, I rented out an extra room to a couple I knew and was actually friends with.  Never once did I sleep with a female roommate because of alcohol or drugs -- most of the time, it was just random flirtations that became more than flirtation soon enough.  With the couple I lived with, I ended up fucking his girlfriend only 3 months after they had moved in.  He had no clue.  At one point, I had one of my socks shoved in her mouth while I railed her in the bathroom just 15 feet from their bedroom.  Thankfully, the bathroom was a Jack-and-Jill style with two exits: I left through mine, she cleaned up and left through hers, and he drove her to work.

Business partnerships are best between two confident men.  My last relationship that exploded a few years ago was both sexual and financial.  We started off as secret lovers, her boyfriend having cratered in confidence and finances.  When she finally tossed him out, we started a business together.  That lasted all of 6 months before she started sleeping until noon, ignoring every request (and demand) I made of her in terms of work productivity, and eventually her life revolved around fucking me once a week and going out 4 times a week.  When she finally "left me" over meeting a new, interesting guy, she had nothing to show for 2 years of "hard work."  Of course, I still have that particular business, and the guy she left me for left her just days after.  Comical.

Other business relationships I've had also always lead to sex -- I did some management consulting and the customer had hired one of our competitors to co-consult with us.  2 long nights of working late (with our management teams) and retiring to whoever's hotel room was closer was a natural reaction.  We're still competitors even though I'm no longer in the business, but whenever we're in the same town, drinks and the nearest hotel room are a natural way to exhaust the stresses we aired over alcohol-infused conversation.  For the guys: when a woman wants to catch up, she means sexually.  There's no other definition for that term.

Men and women can't be friends.  Harry in "When Harry Met Sally" said this on more than one occasion.  If the woman doesn't show sexual interest, the man will.  If the man doesn't, the woman gets curious as to why he's unique, and she'll need to win over his begging and emotional vomiting to prove that she still has it.  My only female friends are those who are obese or way older than me and probably in menopause.  I recently tripped out with a gal pal who has been just a friend for the past 10 years.  3 nights out of town, 2 of them with her in various positions missed in the Kama Sutra.

Recently an ex-girlfriend of one of my closest friends called me up -- I hadn't seen her in 2 years, and when I had seen her, I think we all hung out maybe 3 times with my buddy.  She wanted to catch up (yeah, of course she did).  Since I had just left my main plate's apartment, I figured I could actually do that -- just catch up.  The fact that she's a bartender and has about 6,000 decent looking bar staff femme friends was a priority I wanted to dig into.

Of course she coerced me to having another round of drinks at her place.  Of course she did.

And before I left in the morning, she had that common question to ask: "So are we friends, or are we doing that again?"

My answer is the one I give all women in my life: "Men and women can't be friends.  Or business partners.  Or roommates.  Or married."

And I walked out her door.

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