These uninteresting boys and girls...

I've had an interesting email back and forth for the past few days with a new online friend that has taken the same shape as some recent online chats, in-person discussions and other email back-and-forths with various ladies: men and their uninteresting displays of feelings.

I blame Hollywood. In the movies, the guy always seems to spew emotional nonsense, and the lady love interest swoons eventually. Even the audience does, with the big ole "awww" choreographed by writers and cinematographers and actors and the director. So maybe the boys of the world decided to take a little hint from the movies and become these idiots of massive feelings.

I don't understand it, for whatever reason it happens. It seems there are two types of guys out there (three, if you include me): the ones who are so cold that no one knows what they feel, and the ones that are so hot that they spew feelings vomit (as another female blogger likes to say) all over your soul. Both of these guys are not men, ladies, they're still little boys looking for an ego stroke. Run, girls, run.

If I am with a woman who I am dating, I don't think it's necessary to ask "Are we dating?" In time, the answer will provide itself, usually within the first 2 dates. If by date #2 it is not obvious to me that we're going out on dates, I shift into pal mode. I don't push the issue, I don't ask those questions, I don't try to change her mind or my mind. The chemistry wasn't there for one of us (or both of us), so let's be friends. Why would a man ever step forward and show his cards by asking that question?

Another one that I can't figure out is a man saying "I really like you" or "I've liked you since ________." If you are attracted to a woman, ASK HER OUT. That's a sign of having an attraction for her. It's not that hard, just go up to her and say "I want to take you out soon, can I have your phone number?" Cha-ching.

If she refuses to give you her number but asks for yours, go ahead and give it but don't give her much time to call. 1 week tops. If she calls way after that, move along, little puppy dog. She wasn't that interested in you in the first place, there are billions of women out there.

I've heard of men who whine that a woman they're dating is closed off or frigid or doesn't show him her desire for him. Then what does this lame boy do? He asks her about it. VERBALLY. Hello interest-level-destroyer. How about rather than talking to her about why she doesn't show you any interest, you dump her ass and move along to a better gal? She'll learn, when she's still single years later, wondering why she didn't take a chance on a great guy instead of trying to attract the attention of a complete buffoon who is bouncing from pretty-girl to pretty-girl nightly.

I can't figure it out. If a woman I like doesn't show me hints that she digs my shit, I move on. I can look back at dozens of women who held themselves to ridiculously high standards who are now in their mid-30s and still single. Those very same women thought they were going to get their Brad Pitt and now they don't have a chance for Screech. Let it go, fellows. She's one person, she's not worth you pining over her for years and years. No one is.

And, ladies, when a guy is that dumb that he's going to show you his entire self, what's the point of dating him any longer? He just told you everything, and now you're going to head into that territory I called permanent boredom. A true man lets you know he likes you by being interested in you when he's with you. If he's more interested in himself, it's going to end badly. Run.

When he's away from you, he's doing whatever he likes or has to do. Save the story-telling and emotions swapping for when you are together, and keep them physical and interesting. Using words to try to express one's feelings shows weakness most of the time.

Guys, save words for those really rare moments when you want it to count. Saying "I love you" or "You're beautiful" over and over makes those words have much less value. Showing it through spending quality time, remembering details about her, and being truly interested in what her life is about -- that's the best way to show your attraction to her. If she doesn't respond in kind, hit the road.

It's a messy time period for Americans, that's for sure. It's very hard to try to find someone who is your equal, but who still has a mystery about them that keeps you interested. I know so many guys and gals who judge their possible dating partners strictly on looks or education or job, when none of these things really makes the person who they are. I prefer to be focused on goals and passions, matching sex drives and intelligence (outside of whatever bullshit degree they like to brag about).

That's where I know I am different. Finding people to take on first dates is easy, finding people to take on third dates is almost impossible. I'm dealing with children, both men and women, who just aren't ready to grow up and aim for something interesting and fulfilling and fun. Maybe that's why I do better with foreign women, truly foreign women. That sense of entitlement seems to be more rare in foreign women than in American women, probably due to the same reason American men are broken: Hollywood.

Kiss my ass, Hollywood. You'll never change my dating style. You'll never ruin the fun I have getting to know someone, seeing if we're compatible, seeing if she wants to tease me as much as I want to tease her. I'll never complain about dating the way most do, because I am willing to go WAY outside of my typical "type" or "boundaries" for a chance at an amazing run. Even if it doesn't last forever and ever till death do us part, it can still be a great relationship.

First Date Expectations

I'm a dating son-of-a-bitch. I like to date, for many reasons:

1. I get to meet a large variety of women, some way outside of my usual attraction areas.
2. I get to have fun with someone new, adding a little more excitement to life.
3. It's always an ego-boost.
4. It helps to try many brands before you settle on one.

I am also a tough inspector. I would say that 70% of women I date once don't get the chance for #2. I'm rough. I have very high expectations for a first date. And no, I will never accept "She's having a bad day" as a reason to violate my rules.

My rules for first dates are simple:

1. If she doesn't touch me, she's out. A woman's touch is the supreme indicator of physical attraction. She's got 2 hours, then she's relegated to friendship status. There is absolutely no chance of anything serious once that happens.
2. If she talks about exes, she shouldn't be focused on one. I don't date women who are hung up on a guy. Get over him, he's just a guy. It didn't work out, move on.
3. If her cell phone comes out more than once, I end the date immediately. I don't care what is going on in life (best friend is going through a breakup, dog is sick, etc, etc, etc): if you're out with me, you're convincing ME to go on a second date.
4. If she's scanning the room constantly, she's out. Focus on me, or focus on us.
5. She has to smile and laugh at least sometimes. Overly serious women are never called back.

It's harsh, and I know it is. I am, by far, one of the best catches out there. I don't lie, I don't cheat, I don't steal. I am financially comfortable, but don't brag about it. I know every restaurant, dive bar, club and secret digs. I'm hella fun, cute-but-not-hot, a great dancer, and I'm a rocket in the sack. I don't need to lower my standards. There are likely 100,000 women in my dating spec in Chicago alone, not including the burbs. Be special, show interest.

So I called the gal I met at a bike shop last week. She was attractive, she definitely shot me eye contact throughout the store. I'm fairly certain she came to the accessory area I started talking to her in, in hopes of me talking to her. She gave me her number, fast. When I called today, she said she was very excited that I called her and wasn't expecting me to.

She reminds me, a little, of Winona Ryder: small frame, big eyes, short hair, great smile. Way outside of my usual spec for dating, but I like to change things up. Our phone conversation was very simple:

(TWO RINGS)
Her: "Hello?"
Me: "Hi, it's Sane."
Her: "From the bike shop?"
Me: "That's right."
Her: "Oh, I'm really excited you called. I didn't think you would."
Me: "Why's that?"
Her: "You seemed like you were in a rush. Didn't have time to talk."
Me: "I prefer to do that over drinks or appetizers. Let's get together next week."
Her: "Ok, what day were you thinking?"
Me: "I'm free Tuesday and Wednesday. Day or night, depending on your work schedule."
Her: "I can move things around. Tuesday is great."
Me: "Ok. Where do you live?"
Her: "Just south of Skokie in Chicago."
Me: "Give me your address and I'll pick you up at 8."
Her: (gives address) "8 is great."
Me: "Perfect. Gotta run, I'll see you Tuesday at 8."

Done. Easy, quick, simple, over. I have no desire to talk to her on the phone. We didn't swap email addresses. I gave her two options, she picked one. If she said no to both, the game is over, then and there. I will accept a woman who offers a counter-date, because schedules can be packed, but I really don't have time for a woman who is so uninterested in me that she won't adapt for a first date. Again, there are many fish in the sea.

On Tuesday, I'll pitch her two options: a bar for drinks, or a restaurant for apps. Of those two picked, I'll pitch her two options for places to go. I offer simple options, she does the choosing. This keeps it exciting for her to guide the night, with me doing the final picking. It's win-win.

I don't have a lot of hope for the date, but who knows? I'm in a real crux right now in terms of what I can afford to offer a woman. I definitely don't want a girlfriend at the moment. I don't need any more friends, either. If it gets past a first date, I will lay down what I'm looking for on date #2. I don't like to waste time getting to know someone who is obviously not a match for me, and vice versa.

Methinks she'll be a great girl, probably a great girlfriend for someone. I just have that feeling. But I like dating, I love first dates, and you never know what chemistry can happen in a short 2-hour meet-and-greet.

How I spoil her

In a Google Talk chat with a new friend, she mentioned how I seem to like to spoil my women, and how she wouldn't like it because she likes her independence.

I took slight issue with her view on spoiling, because it has nothing to do with overwhelming a woman or taking away even a bit of her character.  It's not about changing her, it's not about molding her.

When I spoil a woman, I do so to highlight the parts of her that I like most. It has little to do with her needs, really.

If I buy a woman nice clothes, it's because I want to see her look nice: for me.

If I take a woman to a nice dinner, it's because I want the companionship of a lovely lady at a dinner I would like.

I spoil, yes, but I prefer independent women.

I spoil by treating her like a woman, but not like a baby or a girl. Too many nice guys try to spoil by overdoing it, which is horrible. I'm not a nice guy. I know what my needs are, and I fully expect to have them fulfilled, or I hit the road. I don't intimidate or push what my needs are; I wait to see if the independent woman I am with can read my needs and fulfill them because she wants to, or she likes to.

I spoil a woman by how I look at her face, forcing her to step up her game for me to notice more than it. Women love to command attention, but once they get it, they're usually a little underwhelmed.

I spoil a woman in bed by forcing her to want my touch more, to want me for just another minute. I spoil her after we have sex because I know when she's just past the breaking point of enough, but is laying there amazed at what her body can do and what I can do to her body.

I spoil a woman with conversation that is interesting to her, and then obviously interesting to me. I don't talk about myself, I let her talk about what she has inside of her. Women are verbal creatures, they need to vent and air and laugh about things.

I spoil a woman by being a man who leads, but giving her limited choices to direct. A woman needs a producer, a man needs a director. Women who are attracted to me love to grab my arm and let me lead them. They love to grab my face to kiss me, or grab my ass to pull me in deeper or for a longer period of time or a pause.

I spoil a woman not by giving her compliments that mean nothing or gifts that are contrived. When I compliment a woman, it will mean so much more because it is rare. When I give a gift to a woman, it will be something thought out, something she was missing or needed but didn't realize. I will learn her so I can treat her to the nice things that I want her to have.

I spoil a woman by listening when she's sad, not interjecting my male-views on her problems. I spoil a woman by understanding that a kiss is not a fuck, a hug is not a kiss, and rolling around making out on the couch may just be a great way to say bye until next time.

I love to spoil a woman. The damned problem is that most women I know are just girls, and they're so messed up that even they don't know what they want. Even worse, they prefer to be messed up rather than take the obvious task of working on their issues (something I am actually quite good at assisting in). 

Spoiling a girl is something that bores me.  Spoiling a woman is something that doesn't change either of us, but emphasizes the best parts of us so we both shine together.

Transition from Anonymous to Eponymous

Looks like I've made some loosely tentantive plans to meet two bloggers next week.  I have never done that before, not with this blog.  Both are female.  Turn off your perv minds because neither are for conquest but to make new peers and possibly friends as I venture back into discovering Chicago.  That adventure, written here for history's sake, will begin next week.  Coincidental.

I've always been good at first meetings, whether it's for business, friendly chats, dating, or sex.  I don't have much to say, really, but I'm a good conversationalist.  When it comes to writers online, I am very intrigued by how much their online personae will match their real ones.  Are they one and the same?

I've seen the photo of one of them: cute, with an endearing writing quality.  The other I'm not so sure of, she hasn't written has much, and I have no idea what to expect.  I sort of expect them to be the opposite of two peas in a pod, and that's good.  It'll be interesting to see which, if any, or if both, I get along best with.

I'll post details here, with their approval after the fact, and we'll see if this is something I'd like to do more of.  At the very least, dear reader, you can introduce me to your friends in need.  Unless you're a person in need yourself.

The best nights end in being flustered

Saturday night was uneventful.  I dressed up, as every man should do for a Saturday.  It doesn't take long, just a few minutes of thought, an ironing board, some shoe shine (even on new shoes, yes), and a shower, floss and nail clip.

I love Chicago.  I'm pretty sick of Chicago guys and the women that love them.  Don't get me wrong, at least once a week I run into a woman who actually makes me look twice.  But the ratty, haggard, age-d looking folk I've been seeing is just hard to navigate for me.  Either they're faking it up on the outside, or their ruined inside is showing through completely.  Where are the ladies and the gentlemen?  Where are the smiles and the laughter, other than those who are completely drunk on the whitey-boy equivalent to Mad Dog (PBR)?

So I ended the night early, glad to be home.  I had fun, don't get me wrong.  I laughed and smiled and made people laugh and smile, but I'm hungry for a Saturday where I can actually blink my eyes in surprise.  I want to be speechless.

My friend Rachel called me this morning to wish me a Happy Mother's Day.  I guess I'm a mom: I clean my house, I cook, I kiss my daughter (the cat) goodbye every morning and hello every evening before feeding her, I walk my neighbor's dog and I do my own basic laundry (plus drop off dry-cleaning).  Rachel is the one person in the world who knows how to pull my heart strings about life.  And no, I never slept with her.

She asked me how dating is going, and I told her that there are many interesting girls in Chicago, sexy ones, fun ones, hot ones and cute ones.  There are a few pretty ones (which is a hard bar to cross in my mind because it has nothing to do with outside appearance.  Where are the stunners, inside and out?  Where are the most lovely of lovelies?

Don't get me wrong: I'm not looking for one.  You can't if you're a man.  The minute a woman smells desperation, she'll hit the road because desperate men are scary.  I was only desperate twice in my life for companionship and both led to codependent and hurtful relationships.  I don't do that again.  I told Rachel that I'd honestly be just fine with a sugar-baby: when she's with me, she'll be a woman in nice clothes, her hair done, her nails clean and painted, her belly full with good food, her head only slightly buzzed with good wine in small amounts.  

There's something fun about that relationship: holding hands and laughing at the world, casting hilarious glances at the rest of the world, wandering through life for a short while together only when we want to be together rather than being forced together because of a lease or a debt or a loneliness.  She asked if I had any prospects.  Not really.  She asked if I pitched it lately.  I didn't.  She's right: I need to pitch it to those who aren't perfect to see their reaction.

When I date, actively date, it's a numbers game only.  I will ask for the phone number of every cute, pretty, sexy, hot, beautiful, lovely or amazing woman I meet.  I once had a day where I was so busy I ran into 10 women who fit in one of those categories and ended up with zero numbers.  2 days later, I ran into 5 women of the same types and got all 5.  5 out of 15 is a pretty good percentage for me, usually hovering in the 10% mark.

I really love dating.  Not the conquest, not fucking, not making huge plans for the future, but just dating.  There's something great about taking a cute gal or a beautiful woman out for dinner and getting her home by 11 and waiting a week to call again.  Yes, a week.  I'm busy, and if she's not busy, it won't work out.  I don't mean CRAZY busy even: just have friends or other guys they're dating or a book they're reading or a quilt they're quilting.  Something.

This isn't a rant or a complaint.  I was flustered last night because I wanted to see one woman I found attractive, and I don't mean on the outside.  A woman for me is a woman who beams beauty from the inside.  She smiles.  She blushes.  Her baggage of her past is neatly opened and organized and stored away rather than worn on her sleeve.  I didn't see this woman last night, and it was a Saturday: the night of nights to present yourself to society.

Even those I have casual sex with have this quality.  It's not just a girlfriend thing, or a sugar-baby thing, or a casual fuck buddy thing.  It's a woman thing, and I fear greatly for the field of possibilities.  I live in a city where us guys are outnumbered by women, so the odds should be pretty good.  The odds yesterday were terrible, and that's not a night worth discussing much.

What do I look for in a woman?

An email from kaitlynsez:

read your site straight through in an hour. you should write more. so i see you have had your way with some women lately but they're not in your life? what is wrong with them and what do you look for in a woman?

Good questions.  Heard them before from friends and relatives (and lovers or girls I dated that ended up as friends).  My answer today is the same as my answer 10 years ago: someone who is in sync with my life today, but understands that at our age, things can and do change.

I'm still "shopping" for what I want.  I understand women (not all elements, but the common factors), so it is easy for me to see through lies, depression, and lack of self-worth issues.  Yet in many ways I'm like a 30-something who is going out to buy a car but has never ridden in one and wouldn't know if I needed a pickup truck, a sports car or maybe a boat or airplane.

As for "having my way" with the ladies, that's not the case at all.  Some of those I've fooled around with read this site (I'm very open with people I know in real life that I run it).  In each case in the past 3 years, they had their way with me, rather than vice versa.  I love sex, but I don't chase it.  If the opportunity appears, and I'm interested, and it's safe, and I trust them not to change their attitude after, I'll take them up on it.

What I look for in a woman isn't too difficult.  I'm shallow in some ways, so generally someone thinner, like me, works best.  I've dated some ladies who are thicker than my usual selection, and I had no problems.  I tend to only ask out women I find attractive, and my attraction revolves around a pride for how they look: dress, makeup/hair, physique.  I get lambasted often for going after tall model types, but that's only because I dated 3 in a row (and broke it off with all 3 within a few months each when it wasn't going in any particular direction).

Secondly, I like those who have insight into where they want to be in 5 years or 10 years, or even 2 years.  Leaves on the wind don't interest me because my mental process can't wrap my head around someone who is in a constant state of flux, emotionally, financially, locationally.  Having a goal to do SOMETHING and taking steps to see it are prime importance.

If I'm looking for just sex, I tend to go after girls who are taken, but who have boyfriends who lack in providing good sex, great teasing, and a focus on energetic adventuring.  I'm the other guy, yes, but it bothers me little.  40-60% of couples have infidelity.  That number is consistent over man's existance, and I'm not caring to change it.  My last 3 best lovers were all in serious relationships, and continue to be in those same relationships.  In 2 cases, I taught them enough that they were able to change their own significant other's sexual abilities, stamina or interest.  Success all around, I'd say.

If I'm looking to date (not sex), I prefer women who have things to do.  I've dated women with no jobs, no school and no hobbies, and it gets aggravating when they want to see me every day.  I can't do it.  I'm a busy man, and I set aside 1 day a week for dating, and 1 day a week for friends.  If my schedule opens up, I spend those days doing things for MYSELF.  I prefer women who have the same schedule: hectic enough to be busy, free enough to spend a day off with me doing something we both need to clear our heads of our hectic lives.

If I'm looking to marry... well, I have no idea.  I'd love kids, I'd love a nice home and I'd love a great wife.  I just don't know how to define those areas, yet.  I haven't met her, but I hope I'll realize it when I do.

I prefer a woman with decent sexual experiences under their belt.  Lately, as I've been dating women mostly between 23 and 28, I've encountered a TON of women who have bedded more than I have, but have almost no real experience.  The complaints are either "Pencil-dick couldn't last more than 10 minutes" or "He'd fuck me but I felt I wasn't there."  Common problems, from what I've heard.  Still, I like a woman to know what she has (me) through comparison than not.  I've slept with my share of virgins or near-virgins, and they generally loved sex with me, but were unaware of it until years later.  I'd always get an email asking me if I recall this or that (I didn't, unless I journaled about it).

If we're not serious, she should be dating others.  I don't care who she goes out with, kisses, fucks, or wants.  I won't ask, I won't tell.  It'll keep her busy, and if I'm the best guy in her life, I'll get dibs when I am free.  I don't mind students, busy workers, whatever.

I love girls who have a sexiness to them, who live the tease without forcing it.  I'm the same way.  I also love girls who can build up pressure inside of them, like I do, and put it all into me when we're both ready to explode.  Easy lays are sort of boring.  I prefer a little hard work (note: I don't chase or play hard-to-get.)

I don't care so much about sports affiliations, eating habits, pets, or health issues.  Have them or not, it won't sway me.  Honesty, while important, is easy to monitor.  Liars are fairly obvious, and I catch those quickly.  Deceivers can't get in the door.

Probably the most important thing for me, overall, is being happy or knowing how to find some level of happines, even if for just a few minutes a day.  Constant complainers who make no changes in their lives are usually out quickly, sometimes after a first date.

Wearing glasses doesn't hurt.