Thursday, April 30, 2009
I get busted, and the hard time finding good men
Yesterday was a great day: I went book shopping, picked up an amazing antique wardrobe to replace mine that was damaged in a move, snagged a few DVDs that my ex decided to keep, and had a great cup of coffee at a Starbucks in the burbs. Oh and I hit IKEA and was enamored with practically every mommy in there (I don't generally have a like or dislike for MILFs, but wow!).
At the Starbucks, I waltzed in and the sweet young lady took my order. She looked at me, smiled, and went to make it. Then she looked at me again, so I smiled back. When she gave me my coffee product, she asked "Can I ask what you do for a living?" Forward. Nice.
I'm a writer and I handle some business needs for others. "Oh." Then she's silent, like she's thinking about what to say next. I hold her gaze and raise my smile a bit. "You don't, uhh, write a blog, do you?" Sure I do. 3, to be precise. "Do you write about Chicago and bars and girls and work?" Who doesn't? "You're not Chicago Insane, are you?" Uh oh. Did you mean ChicagoSane? "Yeah, sorry." I smiled bigger, grabbed my drink, winked and left.
How did she recognize me? I was wearing the same shirt I wrote about months ago. Oops. Busted! Maybe she'll read this and confirm it, but I think I left her hanging well enough. I'd have talked more, but I think she was probably barely 20, just a few years younger than I prefer.
I received an email from another blogger who I read and who reads this site on occasion. I believe (from what her profile says) that she's in her mid-20s, educated and continuing so, looks cute from her impossible-to-gauge photo, and likely single from her attitude about her lovelife.
The email was simple chitchat, but she's obviously annoyed at the lack of amazing confident guys out there, especially at her school (and I assume in her social circle). I can definitely agree, but I've told some of my gal pals that sometimes their barrier to entry is too high. I don't mean that their standards are too high (I shoot for heaven on that), just that they need too much up-front before going out on a first date.
I like dating. Sometimes I'll date a woman who is not really my match physically, and we'll have a ball. I can't even count how many dates I've been on where the woman actually said she didn't find me attractive at first, but ended up shoving her tongue down my throat and begging for more in just one night.
If you go to Craigslist and pick W4M and look at the general requests, there's no wonder why most women and girls can't find amazing guys: they set their barriers too high.
One post from someone who must be perfect herself wanted tall, handsome, drug-free, disease-free, financially strong, educated and must love puppies. Breaking that down shows you the problem.
Tall? Less than 15% of American males are 6 feet or taller. So you just cut out 5 out of 6 guys, including me, and I'm sauve, interesting and one hell of a fuck.
Handsome? 1 in 4 men have what one would call "handsome symmetry." Big noses, small noses, large eyes, small eyes, lots of hair, no hair? None of that matters for beauty. For us humans, symmetry is what attracts the eye initially. I definitely am not a handsome male, but I have an attractive quality. My asymmetry all has a story behind it, and little of it is genetic. If you want both handsome AND tall, you're talking about approximately 6% of men, so you've cut out almost 15 out of 16 guys out there.
Drug-free? 90% of guys out there have tried drugs, and about 60% of them use some kind of drug regularly, although not habitually. That 6% of men you'll see drops to 4%. I don't do drugs, but I believe in the right for people to do it, and I would never say no to a gal who casually uses drugs unless it is obvious her life is ruined over an addiction.
Disease-free? 1 in 5 guys have an STD. I've been lucky so far, but I fully expect I'll catch something in my life (condoms break, whatever). Before I sleep with a woman I'll ask about her history and if she knows she has anything. I've slept with women who had HPV (warts), HSV (herpes), who had previously contracted crabs and gonnorhea. I'm very safe. If I'm worried, I'll take extra precautions. If you require that they're clean and they get tested every 12 days, your 4% of guys will drop to 3% of guys.
Financially-strong? Over 80% of guys out there are in debt significantly higher than they probably should. Credit cards, car loans, school loans, ouch! I'm debt free, but most of my friends are either hurting or are a little over where they should be. Take your 3% and drop it to 1%.
Educated? About 30% of men over 25 have a degree. Take your 1% and make it 0.3%.
So now that simple Craigslist "Where is my prince?" post just chopped out 997 out of 1000 guys. OUCH. That's painful.
My recommendation to our new friend was to be more proactive about being the confident female. If you see a guy who looks OK on the outside, but isn't perfect, why not go up to him and ask for HIS number? I'll ask out 2-3 women a week and I'll get maybe 1-2 numbers a month. That means my success rate is at worst 1 in 15 and at best 2 out of 4. I strike out way more than I hit a home run, and most of the time it's a run to first base and the game will be called for weather. I don't care. Neither should you.
Say hi, get a number, call, go out on a date, have fun. Date 10 guys this summer. You don't have to sleep with them or even call them for a second date. Dating builds your confidence like nothing else, AND it helps you see past your own limitations on what you THINK you want.
For me? I prefer slimmer over chunkier, but I'll date either. I prefer a woman who knows how to dress, even if she's hipster trash but looks good in it. I like a gal who isn't afraid of her own shadow and can keep up with my stamina in terms of seeking adventure and finding it. I love me a woman who wears glasses rather than contacts. Small boobs are greater than huge ones. I love a closet whore who can talk smack with me while watching reruns but who acts prim and proper in social settings. Most of all, I prefer a woman who has things to do with her time so that I don't have to keep her occupied 7 days a week; this is why I prefer to date women who have serious (but not necessarily live-in) boyfriends. I'm exciting, I'm financially solid, and I'm a lover AND a fighter. Sadly, I'm a terrible boyfriend, my life just gets too hectic with no real schedule or warning.
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2 comments:
Craigslist is pretty hysterical no matter which side you're on. All the girls want tall, rich (but she's not a gold digger), sweet, prince charming types(but if you're too nice she'll probably call you a wimp to her friends).
All the boys want (naturally)thin (fit, but not gym bunnies. That kind of request boggles my mind), blonde, pod women (All the requests for no baggage. Dude we all, male or female, have baggage from the day we're born), with a specific tit size (I LOVE big tits! I LOVE small tits! The bigger the better! More than a handful is a waste!) and so on. Its all pretty dismal.
I'm not against dating sites, but I find craigslist lack of poster feedback disturbing. So much spam, ugh.
I guess when it comes to seeking Prince Charming, aiming high might work, but I'm a realist. I would never respond to a "dating" personal, only a "platonic" one. All good things start with meeting new friends, IMHO.
I meet more and more people who want from one person what they should get in pieces from various people. It's like everyone wants to find someone who they can shack up with and become monks.
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